How are you? I hope that things are going well. So you are having sleepover? How FUN!!! I didn?t really go on many sleepovers as I child or even as a teenager (my parents never really liked the idea of a sleepover) but when I went to college they kind of loosened the reigns a bit and I went to sleepovers with girlfriends all of the time. I had so much fun! You must let me give you a facial one of these days. I give the BEST facials.
Anyway, I am holding up well. Thank you for asking. School is going well. Can you believe that I have midterms already this month? I feel like school just started. Thank goodness this semester is almost over!!! Work is going great. Still very busy though. I feel like I have not seen friends or family for weeks even though I live at home and I am still in the same neighborhood. Know what I mean? I get in to work before sunrise and I am usually not home until evening..
Guess what? I am going to be published!! I am so excited about this. I love the thought of being published. It?s still in the planning stages but one of my professor?s is a writer for The Economist. They are dedicating an edition for students and young faculty. My teacher is trying to get some of my research to be featured. That would be so great because I want to earn a Ph.D. some day. Not now. Sometime in the distant future, perhaps, but I do want a Ph.D. Many Ph.D programs require one to have been published before they will admit you.
I decided to join a baseball league. A few friends from work have started a team and I joined. Practice will begin in April. Games start in May. This should be good for me. I need more exercise. I can?t wait!
How did I hurt Tim, you ask? I won?t go into specific details. Not because I don?t trust you?it?s just that I don?t really want to rehash old hurts. Not to mention the fact that I know that Tim would not appreciate me disclosing way personal stuff about him in here. One of these days, perhaps I will mellow out over a strawberry margarita and I will chat some more on this topic.
I will say this. I never hurt Tim by cheating on him or by being deliberately cruel to him. I would never in a zillion years have had the heart to be physically or verbally abusive to him or anyone else for that matter. I had way too much respect for him for any abuse to take place. Relationships go through stages. I know that you know this. There were times that he and I were not on the same stage of our relationship. Honestly, I think I loved him from day one. I truly think that I did. He was just so cute and so easy to talk to. His beautiful, blue eyes had me spellbound. His soft, intelligent, and confident voice had me hanging on his every word. There was just something about him that made me fall for him from the first day I met him in.
I was not always as mature as I could have been. As our relationship unfolded, my feelings for him were growing by leaps and bounds. He started to become the center of my universe. This was my first time feeling this way for a man. It was very scary and alien for me to have such strong feelings for him. While he embraced the feelings he was starting to feel for me, there was a time when I tried to put the brakes on my own feelings. The transition from best friend to boyfriend was not an easy one for me. Does that make any sense to you? Due to my immaturity and lack of experience with the opposite sex and relationships as a whole, I sometimes made things more difficult than they needed to be. He had never been in love with anyone before me either but he did have some experience with the opposite sex. He also had his degree, owned his own home, car, and was really ready to act like a man, father, husband, etc. It took me some time to catch up with him.
I never said I was perfect... I do know that there were times when my immaturity hurt him. I am eternally grateful to him for his patience with me during these times. Thanks to his patience, nurturing, and coaching, I grew up. Our relationship blossomed. He could have (and probably should have!) kicked me to the curb and looked for a woman who was on the same page as him but instead he chose to stay, shower me with love, and help me to get to where he was at in our relationship. He was sooOOoo in love with me. He was also a true best friend who always had my best interest at heart. Tim was a total champ. I still don?t know how I got so lucky in nabbing a guy like him my first time out the gate.
Live and learn, right? I?m still far from being perfect, Michael. I always will be imperfect. Perfection is not one of my goals. In addition to having learned, along with Tim, how to make a relationship work, I have matured a good deal on my own. I?ve had to. This whole experience was pretty devastating and has sort of changed my outlook on a variety of topics.
You are right though. It does feel a little strange talking about Tim. You are the only person I really discuss him with these days. I?ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping busy and focusing on other more pleasant activities rather than moping around wishing he was here. Like you, I still think of him often. It?s just getting better to deal with. It is kind of trippy how close Tim and Kim?s name sound alike. Ha! I also got a kick out of your not wanting to discuss the LB airport at length. It?s weird because Tim and I used to head to LAX to watch the planes come and go every once in a while. I love watching the planes take off. We would kind of set up camp as close as we could get to the runway and just cuddle and talk. It was pretty cool. You and I ARE spookily similar at times, aren?t we!?!
I have to agree with you in that I don?t think that a person?s core personality ever really changes. Mine has not. I?m still the geeky person that I have always been. I still love life and my fellow human beings. I still want to run for office one day and help the poor and the powerless from being squashed by capitalists and corporate greed (i.e. the Bush Administration) I always have been a friend to the weak, infirm, and other downtrodden individuals. I still love children. I still pull out and wear whatever comes out quickest from my sock drawer when I go jogging- even if it?s two different color socks. I still don?t have an affinity for material things. I still find the beach the most soothing place in the world. I still lick the bowl of all leftover uncooked cookie dough when I am baking. I still love eating lasagna. I still have an insatiable love for learning. Friends and family are still my #1 priority. And I still firmly believe that we all deserve respect and love. There are a great many things about my core personality that have not changed.
There are a few things about my personality that have changed. Sometimes I feel as if the world has shrunk for me. The world used to seem so big and scary. I?ve slowly been turning into a totally freakishly liberal adult who doesn?t really fear anything. I?ve kind of grown into my own skin. It?s all good. I?m happy with me.
Sorry about the Brea job falling through. I didn?t know that you found the job through monster. I would have warned you about their tendency to do that. Have you tried the One-Stops? Orange County has something called One-Stops. They help you find jobs and let you use their telephone, fax, phones, etc. to job search. I helped to write grants for this group when I just started to work for the county. If you qualify to be in their program you also get your own job hunter/job developer. A friend of mine used to be a job developer for the One-Stops and all he did all day was hook people up with jobs. If you have not already tried them, you should give it a try.
You?re talented, Michael. I think you will do well. Despite all the talk of off-shoring computer related jobs, this country still has a high demand for people with your talents. Maybe you should practice interviewing some more. Who knows? Perhaps you simply did not communicate your skills well. I have a feeling that this may be the case as it is clear that you have an abundance of computer knowledge. The One-Stops should be able to help you with mock interviews. I know that I need to brush up my skills on this score, too. I suck in interviews.
It?s nice to hear about all the things that you continue to reflect upon in your relationship with Kim. Yup! Hindsight is 20/20! I am very glad to hear that you are doing o.k. A little experience goes a long way in these types of things. I think the both of us will do well with the next one.
Neither one of our heartbreaks is unique. In my case, people?s spouses or significant others die all the time. The only difference is that it usually happens later in a person?s life. Senior citizens normally have spouses or partners that die. Senior citizens also have a wealth of lifetime experiences to fall back on to help them cope and get through this. Seniors generally have already lived full lives full of challenges as well as successes. I lost my partner at a young age, much before I was ready for something like this. No warning what so ever. I feel that I am dealing with this as best as a 20 something year old can. So far, I think I?m healing o.k. I?ll survive. I just take one day at a time. So far, so good.
In your case, this kind of thing happens all the time, too. I think you are coming along nicely and have a healthy attitude. I also hope that Kim starts treating you better. I hate to hear that she might not be treating you with as much kindness as she could. I?m not sure about these things (again, I am very inexperienced) but I have heard this is a natural thing to happen when people break up. I am proud of you, kiddo! I totally wish you the best on your next girlfriend!
O.k. so this is what happened to me last week. I have to tell you how pathetic I am.
Our stove broke. The homeowner?s policy covers this. They sent out a guy to come fix my stove. He was so handsome! The man was dreamy and made my knees weak just looking at him! He was kneeling on the floor tinkering with the stove with his head in the oven and I started to talk to my neighbor?s little boy who had come by to say hello. The little boy asked me if he could go play in my backyard and wanted to know if he could take Gertie outside for a breath of fresh air. I responded by saying , ?o.k., honey?, and the little boy raced off excitedly to get Gertie. The handsome hunk bent over my stove suddenly stood up straight. He smiled at me and asked me if I had just called him ?Honey?. I said no and told him that I had been talking to my little friend who was no longer there. He just laughed and said, ?I knew I could not be that lucky?.
Damn! I should have said yes!!! I should have told him that I did call him honey and asked him to dinner. He was too cute for words and I was way too flustered. He only repairs stoves, microwaves, and refrigerators. Quick! Someone tell me how to break my refrigerator. I want him to come back! Anyway, I blew it. Ha! Better luck next time, I suppose.
By the way, I agree with you on the talking about sex thing. I enjoy talking about sex. I find it very educational and love talking about it in general terms. I love checking out all the gadgets and sex toys in stores like Condom Revolution. I love that store. Sex is pretty fun stuff, if you ask me. I?m not a prude or a pervert. I?m just not hung up on sex and feel quite comfortable with my own sexuality. I do object to someone like your former friend sharing tidbits of information such as the one that you mentioned in a previous post. That?s just my personality though. I?m not passing judgment. To each his own. I know that I would not be terribly excited if my lover mentioned to a new man that I was good or not good in bed. For some odd reason, I just find that distasteful. Who knows? Maybe, I?m just overly sensitive due my relative inexperience. I just know that I don?t like that kind of thing. Third party sexual confessions don?t attract me. I wouldn?t really ask about anyone?s sexual prowess and I hope that any lover of mine would be discreet, too. I?m all for asking a man how to please him. I?m all for learning sexual techniques with my lover. But that?s just it- with my lover. I actually enjoy exploring the many different ways of making sex more pleasurable for the both us. You?ll just never hear me discuss it with his buddies or even my pals afterward. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?
Who am I kidding, anyway? I am an incurable romantic! I can?t disassociate sex with love, friendship and intimacy. My heart doesn?t know how to be casual about sex. Sex is wonderful and with the right individual, it means the world to me. For me, personally, sex only comes after I have given someone my heart. I wish that I wasn?t such an emotional geek about these things. I know that I?m not getting any until I fall in love again. Agh! End of subject.
Much more to say but I?ll save it for another day. I?m hungry and I had to bring some work home this evening to finish before tomorrow in addition to completing some homework before Friday. I hope that those major decisions that you talked about turn out o.k. for you. Don?t stress, too much. Things usually have a funny way of working out for themselves. Thanks for sharing your fish tank news! I like Neon Tetras, too. No time, to expand my fish collection right now but that is definitely a future project. Fish are so relaxing just to watch.
Wow, it's been 19 days since I last replied to this thread. Sorry, things have just been hectic for me.
I've been at my parents' place the past 2 days spending time with family and taking mom and little brother shopping. It was very nice although it'd have been nicer if dad weren't so lazy (or tired?) to go with us. I used to be like that too prior to the break-up. Maybe I *WAS* too tired from work, or maybe I was just plain... lazy. Whatever it was, boy, have I changed...
One thing that still didn't change though hehehe... it actually made me laugh when we all realized this: the mall was closed on Easter Sunday. Stupid little things like that I sometimes don't think about, but ... Big Doh! hehehe.... But you know what? We made the best of it and just hung out and did some indoor "window" shopping Even convinced mom to let me cook for her tomorrow. Yay! She's already excited to try out my salad (and I'll be modifying my original trial recipe to make it slightly even better )
And get this... I actually managed to convince dad to give him a little clothing make-over. Even mom wants me to take her shopping sometime. Awesome! Now where's the sense of STYLE when I need it the most? Oh wait, never had it. Hmph. We'll see how that will go hehehehe.... Think the Oscar's Fashion Police will come around and take snapshots of how NOT to dress?
How am I? Ok. Let's just say, I'm on the right path. Just saw a Chinese movie with my parents half an hour ago and it was really moving. The story really hit me (and mom, but for different reasons): it was eerily similar to my break-up in many ways, which just goes to show that our situation isn't uncommon at all like we wrote about in earlier posts. The ending actually made me reflect back on what has changed since July of last year. To keep a long story short: wow, have I IMPROVED! It really does take big events to change one's life, just like in that movie.
Just the past few weeks I have started to think about what love is again. No, I didn't sit down and told myself to think it -- it just weaved into my thoughts here and there. And no, nobody's caught my love interest. The interest in my heart is still Kim (despite my fighting very hard to forget her), and I'll continue to stay away from other women until those feelings have waned completely. I still wonder every day (although for just a few minutes once or twice a day) how she's doing, but I can't get myself to contact her. A friendship with her still won't be possible with that certain very hurtful situation between her and me that continues to exist (and sorry, I won't get into that.)
Don't get me wrong: I still cherish her very much -- perhaps infinitely more than before. She has been very dear to me. Perhaps that's why I still refuse to see anyone. The other day at The Block, I actually saw that pretty Chinese girl from Sports Chalet shopping, but I just ignored her and went on, making sure she wouldn't see me. I didn't want to throw away her phone number again. Some may say I'm afraid to let someone into my heart again. Perhaps. I feel that I just have no room to let someone else into my life at this moment.
I have already forgotten and forgiven most of everything Kim's done. Perhaps there will come a day where I'll get to see her heart having forgiven me for my mistakes as well. Until that day, if that day comes, I hope she'll find what she's looking for and deserves. I know I'll make someone very happy some day.
Mb and a Korean friend of mine slept over, but something came up during the late afternoon: one of my friend's clients' servers went down unexpectedly. It shut down the whole business for the rest of the day and I was the only one available at hand. Boy, I knew what I was getting myself into, especially since I only slept for 4 hours that day. I took the call. I don't think I slept that night -- worked the entire night through while trying to ensure my guests were taken care of. It was a fun sleepover nonetheless and we talked about a lot of things. I didn't go to sleep until 5pm after I delivered the server and set everything up at the client's site. At least I made over $600 overnight.
Then at 9pm, my Korean friend came over because I promised her I'd help her put together something very special for her boyfriend. She didn't want to come over because she knew I worked the entire night, but I assured her that I had plenty of rest (actually, I didn't.) So, work started once again and she fell asleep at around 6am. I was starting to doze off big-time too, but I promised a friend that I'd help her get the stuff done. I wanted her to have something special for her first anniversary. It's good to know you've done something good, you know? Finally finished at 8:30am. She was sleeping peacefully on the floor, and so I grabbed a blanket and covered her, then proceeded to sleep in my moon chair for a couple hours until she woke me up that she was leaving. It was kind of funny actually -- she was completely SHOCKED when I told her that I finished everything, but it was good to see her so happy. Her boyfriend better appreciate that gift I got an e-mail from her the other day that she's very grateful and she plans on cooking a really, really big meal for me. I refused... Don't think I'll let her have ALL that FUN herself! Going to help cook too!
One thing I know about myself is that if something very urgent needs to get done, I can get it done. It was good to work all-night again though it was exhausting. I haven't done that since working for ictp, but I certainly don't wish to do that often. It just felt good because it re-affirmed that I CAN do it if needed. It's a strength that will always be a benefit, I think.
All in all, I felt really bad for the guests for that sleepover. Didn't expect to get an emergency call, but still... We'll have a proper one once I have a job. Talking about jobs... I still can't believe that after going through 5 interviews (!) with that ONE company that I really liked (they seem to take REALLY good care of their employees), I wasn't accepted. Did I ask for too much money? Or was it because some of my technical Cisco answers were a bit rusty?
Job hunt has been going well though and my resume has gotten even better as a result of the interviews I have had. Been back in "school" the past week as well to update my technical knowledge after such a long time. I should finish that one course by the end of next week and start another one after that. Perhaps go snowboarding on Saturday or Sunday for the very last time this season.
I've started to focus more on getting my life back together again. Play/Exploration/Self-discovery time is on hold for now. Many things are falling into place actually. Grandparents, parents/family, friends, life, feelings, you name it... Even shopping has gotten quite interesting and I'm happy to report that my will-power to NOT buy unnecessary things has been pretty strong. Yup, I am having dreams again (no, not the sleeping kind of dreams -- dreams as in goals, things you wish for, etc.)
Remember when I spoke about a couple major decisions that had to be made last month? One of them was my apartment lease. Move out to a cheaper place, accept a roommate again, buy a place of my own, or sit on the toilet seat and think while making nature proud? The cheaper places were ghetto. Roommates? No. I found that it's best to renew for another year (and probably for the last time) and focus on getting my life back together again ASAP rather than having to worry about moving out and then moving again once I've found a job. Rent is $895 now, but that's still a good steal in this area. Other places in a decent neighborhood rented for way higher than that. House or townhouse or condo? Next year. Pretty sure about that.
You must give me a facial one of these days? Eh... If you must insist, I prefer the one with cucumber slices on your eyes
Anyway, in regard to your e-mail, I feel that your boss calling in sick for the past 3 weeks can very well be a good thing for you. It's already reflecting badly on him... So, think through it before you decide to leave, ya? Another friend of mine is having difficulty with her boss too, but her situation is different. She SHOULD leave her job and that's exactly what she'll be doing when she returns from spring break.
I completely know what you mean by your work schedule. There actually was an inside joke my co-workers and I made while working for ictp: we go to work when the sun is out, and we go home when the sun is out. It was funny, but it was sad at the same time. Come to think of it, many of the people I know who worked there lost their significant other. Kim, me, and my good friend thought we were invincible from that "curse", but as you already know, we all got affected after all. Well, my good friend actually is still working on saving his relationship, but their problems also compounded since he worked for ictp. Perhaps that "curse" was for real. Some things in life just can't be explained.
Did you get published yet? Congratulations!! That's so great to hear! It's a good feeling to know that your work is being recognized, isn't it?
Don't worry about what I asked about you and Tim. I understand. I'm proud to say that I never cheated on Kim either. Heck, I never oogled at other women while we were still together. In fact, I was actually PROUD to be with her and never let go of her hand, even if somebody very hot came along EVEN with all the issues we had. Too bad I let things go downhill. Even if it was both of our fault, too bad I let ME let it happen. But then again, you were right in saying that I didn't know how to handle the relationship then. It would have been different if I were what I am now.
You know, I'm happy for you that you had someone older, wiser nurture you through your relationship with respect, especially since he was your first boyfriend. I can see how it helped you grow and become who you are now. Kim always nurtured me, but sometimes I felt that she treated me like a little child even in situations where I told her that I'd be fine. She did it because she cared, but look at me now: I'm still alive. Yet, I still am thankful though for what she did for me. I had a lot of shortcomings, and she has helped me become who I am now, and it can only get better. She has changed a lot too and her third relationship will hopefully be much better too. Perhaps one day I'll know as much as those who have had more than 5 relationships in their lives, but at least I can proudly say that the core of me is good and should be expanded -- it can only guide me towards the right path. Philosophical? hehehe... No, just a dumbass pretending to be a Vulcan Live long and prosper, meager human.
I'll never achieve perfection, but if you're perfect, what's there to dream for, right? I'd rather have dreams -- even unachievable ones -- than have everything and be everything.
The Long Beach airport and your experience with Tim at LAX aren't similar... The LB airport (rather, the path to it on Ball Road) has a very different, sentimental feeling for me. I've landed on that path a couple times by accident (I often drive around after working out to learn to navigate better -- and it's been improving a LOT) and it still squeezes out emotions out of me. The most dominant one is a peaceful feeling actually: It was one of the last few times I felt really close to her emotionally despite my mind telling me to end the relationship. It was a very sad night that night and most painful for her, but it's something that I won't ever forget. All the hurt, the pain, the love, the memories, the smiles, the silly things we did together (Quieres Taco Bell?)... Her tears, her shivering body, her warmth, her frowns, her eyes.... Every time I think about her sad face, it brings me a LOT of pain and I often have to fight back the tears. I sometimes wished that I followed my heart that night rather than my mind, but whatever makes her happy, that's what I wish for her.
You can eat uncooked cookie dough?
Hehehe... you and that repair guy. Sounds like you experienced something many women fantasize about but never get to see. Perhaps men who focus on fitting the "traditional male" role are more desiring than those who focus on other things. For me, I focused on education and career (what Chinese guy doesn't?) while sacrificing living life for later. But you know, I've finally got my parents' support in balancing life and work more. There's this saying that goes something like this: "There are those who work towards a living, but forget to live." Of course, there are also those who live, but forget to work towards a living for their future family. Life is all about sacrifices and making choices. Perhaps I made the wrong choices (and will probably continue to do so), but those wrong choices have also helped shape me towards becoming a better person. The focus on education and career may have been too much in the past, but those will certainly benefit me and my family in the future. Just take it one step at a time and enjoy life while doing that, and not try to do everything all at once like I used to (even on vacations, believe it or not!)
That was pretty funny what he said, "I knew I couldn't be that lucky." hehehe... Come to think of handymen, I actually helped grandpa fix a cabinet and will be helping him with the yard on Tuesday. Time to show off my new muscl... errr... flabby arms! Wonder if he'll still call me the "useless penis"? hehehehe.... A few people have said that they are amazed by how much I know, yet also by how stupid I am hehehe... Hey, life is full of choices, right? I just chose education and career over life at that time
Just wait until I get my own place I'll be fixing things up myself too -- I was hardly afraid of fixing things, and if I didn't know how, there are plenty of resources out there to look up (manuals, internet, etc.) While I'm living in the apartment though, I'll continue to let the managers fix things (that's what the rent is for, right?) I've always had a knack for mechanical things. I see myself actually knowing how to fix cars too once I've got the time (there are other priorities at this moment) to focus more on that Yup, those are some of the things that I have been dreaming about to accomplish.
So, did you call him back? Go break something Just be careful, Ms. Desperate Housewife
Yup, talking about sex is very educational. I did it in hopes of improving Kim's and my sex life, but I think it actually made it worse by putting more pressure on her, me, and especially her. Again, I made a wrong choice. Live and learn, right? At least we both have better knowledge of it now that we can take into our next relationship. I agree with you that telling someone else that your ex-girlfriend was lousy in bed is distasteful, especially when I knew that their relationship didn't last very long. Even I never said that about my relationship. I always told them the truth (I hope I did) when asked: we were both inexperienced and were having issues and were working on techniques in making it work. She actually became quite good and I'd hope that I did to that level too.
Eh, taking me to a sex shop? Ever seen a guy blush like crazy before and just look down or stumble like Charlie Chaplin? Even Victoria's Secret gave me the chills. Someday I'll overcome that. That's also on my mental list of accomplishments.
Oh, I was pretty stressed about what happened to my fish tank. (I'm sorry I still haven't posted new pictures of the tank, the snowboarding trips yet -- I have to focus on getting a job with a company I like first.) I tested the water and its Nitrite and Nitrate levels were OFF THE SCALE! The water was brown even though it seemed crystal clear, and I had just recently purchased 7 new Ghost Shrimps, a Gold Fantail (it's more red actually), and another common goldfish.
Well, of all those, only 1 shrimp, the Gold Fantail, Bully, Grace, and Spunky have survived. The new common goldfish died too It was one of my new FAVORITE fishes. I told MB the other day that it seems that all my all-time favorite fishes seem to die. Remember Nemo? This one was completely white and had a red "cap" (no, it's not an Oranda like Bully) and best yet: a red, horizontal dash on its tail. I loved it right away (just wait till I post its picture) because it looked and behaved like a little, young boy with a backward baseball hat on its head. Couldn't figure out a name for it, but I felt this energy from it that eventually earned it its name of "Torpedo." Good name. Torpedo died anyway
The new Gold Fantail is named Tomato beacuse it's so red. It's female, I think. Was going to name it Timid, Shy, or Embarassed, but Tomato came to mind initially.
So, what happened to the tank? I still haven't figured it out, but the daily 20% water changes apparently did not help. Sure, the water was crystal-clear, but it was still very bad and somewhat brownish. An emergency water change of 75% didn't help much either, but it's on the right path. I'll test the water again this coming Sunday. The toxic levels have been decreasing and I'm just waiting for the good bacteria to re-establish themselves. I'll continue to do partial water changes in the meantime.
Here's my theory for why the tank became so bad: Remember all those disappearing fishes? I never knew what happened to the 18 Guppies. One I had to kill because I thought it ate up all the shrimps. The other one was just beheaded, possibly by the filter. Then there are 5 Neon Tetras that disappeared. 17 Shrimps gone. And I thought "Da Vinci" ate them all (well, he did eat one that I captured on camera.)
I think all those inhabitants disappeared in the filter, got ground into mud that collected at the bottom of the filter, and poisoned the water. Even the biological filter that's normally white became very, very brown. It'll take some time to recover, but I'm hopeful.
See? Maintaining a fish tank is a LOT of work, but I'm happy I'd like to replace Torpedo with a new, common goldfish sometime, and perhaps add another 6 shrimps back into the tank. Oh, another reason for why I think the shrimps died: they all got trapped inside the shipwreck. I've raised it again like I initially did (to give it an escape route), and the single ghost shrimp is still alive.
Might give the Neon Tetras another try once the water level is safe. Will probably lose another $11, but the Neon Tetras are mesmerizingly interesting to keep though! Mmmm... Tetras... Doh!
Oh, got a mini aquarium for free from Petco Did I get lucky or what? A Betta fish would do well in it, but I might use it to keep baby goldfishes -- if any ever get produced.
Am proud to announce that all but 1 of my plants have been growing steadily. The one plant that's not WAS growing new leaves, but I think I overwatered it last weekend and it's sort of sitting here now: neither growing nor dying. At least I'm on the right path with plants One day, my apartment will look so nice with plants that I'll look like a pimp hehehe... Nah, that's not me. You can find plenty of Pimps at clubs.
A friend of mine asked me to go clubbing recently. Don't think I'll be going... am not really into that type of stuff. Karaoke I might try (yes, MB, someday), but not clubbing. Maybe I'll go there to see what it's like, but don't see myself going there often, if at all. My former friend actually used to ask me to go all the time. He often seemed lonely (no matter how often he denied that) and so I agreed to go one day, but we never did. He pushed me to go "raving" many times, but I refused that as well. Have you gone raving before? My brother used to go a lot and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried Ecstacy. I know my former friend did a lot, and more heavy things. One of his co-workers/friend actually said he wouldn't be surprised if he overdosed one day. I'm glad my brother is no longer raving. It always concerned me, you know? Drugs and all. It's said that once you're on E (and that's confirmed by my former friend), you're far more open to sleep with other people because it magnifies your physical feelings. Eww. I can only recall STD when thinking about that. I don't think he ever realized that I didn't care a bit about drugs even when he described how good it felt taking Shroom (whatever that is), Coke, and other stuff.
A couple of my friends actually tried every single drug out there themselves too. They laughed about their experiences and which ones were good and bad. I was so bored during those conversations and felt so out of place. Two of them even raved about how awesome those 18+ only clubs are and showed some pictures of women bareing it all. Sure they were hot, but I felt so out of place still.
Should I be happy that I made the choice of focusing on career/education while I was growing up, rather than choosing to experience the darker things in life? Yes, I should, even though I'm not as "street smart" as others may be I'm getting there in other ways... Just give it time In the meantime, continue expanding the core of you. You should do the same
Michael
EDIT: Please don't tell me again to go get that girl's number or to open myself up to other women. I can't right now. It's the right thing for me to do, and it's the fair thing for whoever that future girlfriend may be to have my utmost love and attention.
reading all of your posts has given me an itch to type out a long post too. well, not really, but i'll give it a try. lol*
let's see, this easter sunday was nice. i hung out at my friends new place in irvine. and what a place it was. geez, when you drive in, the place reminds me of disneyland! haha* anyhow, we had a nice BBQ right next to the jacuzzi and pool. didn't get to swim because it got cold pretty quick. (weird weather) afterwards, i went home and spent some quality time with my parents. i actually helped them cook a bit. their on some sort of strict diet now, so they are limited to white meat and vegetables. sigh* i guess that's a good thing. they didn't choose to go on this diet, the doctor told them they had to or suffer the consequences.
it's been awhile since i've hung out with my parents like that. i'm so use to just going to work and hanging out with friends and just going home to sleep. sometimes i hardly even see them. anyhow, i'm working on that. um...yea, i knew most of the places were closed that day, so i didn't even bother going anywhere. hahaha especially the mall. lol* just teasing mike. actually, sport chalet was open that day. i picked up some thing to help me out with my workout. it's good to hear that you made the best out of the day. what's important is just spending time with family. by the way, did your mom like the salad you made? was it the one with mango and guacomole?
it's nice to hear about all of your improvements, mike. life is all about learning and improving yourself. i never regret the things i do, i just learn from all of them and grow stronger. i don't think i ever talked about my relationship in these forums. i guess, for awhile, i've been trying to solve things on my own. i just didn't feel like opening up.
i've had this one ongoing issue and i've talked about this to some people and you know after awhile, it gets annoying to hear about the same issues over and over again. hmm...come to think of it, i think that's the reason why i just shut myself off from this. i've actually had a friend kinda stop talking to me because of it. i mean, we're still friends and all, but not as close as we use to be. i just don't want to have chased all my friends away because of this.
so what's this issue? sigh* where to start...i've been with this guy...hmm..this year in october, would be our 12th year anniversary. we got together at a very young age. inexperienced about relationships. he didn't know how to treat me and i was expecting too much. at the beginning he was somewhat affectionate, but after the first year, it was all down hill.
i believe affection is very important to keep the relationship alive. whether it be physical or verbal. i noticed him kind of doing his own thing. walking ahead of me when we go out. being several feet away from me at all times in public. it felt like we were just acquintances. what i wanted back then and now was for someone to hold my hand once in awhile or put their arms around me. someone who would steal a kiss. someone who would whisper sweet nothings in my ear. someone who was passionate about being with me.
did i ask for too much? maybe i did.......it became a problem when i brought this up to him. he thought i was changing him. so i backed off. after awhile, all of this was bottling up inside and i just let him have it. i told him what i wanted. i felt like i was the only one that was keeping the relationship alive. he got annoyed with me and let me go.
we broke up for a whole month. i was crushed because this guy was my first love. i lost so much weight because when i get depress, i stop eating. i started blaming myself for causing so much problems. one day he picked me up from school and asked me back. we had a long talk about compromising and having a more open communication.
it was actually good for the next couple of years, but once we started college, things started changing again. i began feeling like we were together just because of the convienience of it. we were comfortable with each other and didn't really need to do anything to keep up with our relationship. he was content and for awhile i was too. until i started making new friends and seeing that there are so many things to life then what i know with him. i wanted a relationship like those in movies but i know that no relationship can be that perfect, right? it can be close though.... so, i started doing things and bringing up things in hopes to rekindle our fire. all it did was cause more problems.
i soon started turning to friends for comfort and in hopes to find some sort of solution. he found out and accused me of having a wandering heart. we had the longest and most difficult argument we had ever had. it lasted for 5 hours. crying and yelling and crying. he was convinced i cheated. i never did. he didn't understand my pain and that having an outlet such as a friend was keeping me sane. he told me to talk to him about problems i had, but everytime i did, he turned it around and make me out to be the bad person. for awhile, i thought i was. why couldn't i just love him unconditionally? but i did, didn't i?
we all have needs...and i had a need to be loved. i decided to put away all my feelings and just go with the flow again and again things started getting bottled up. instead of exploding, my love started turning into resentment.
i thought long and hard about just leaving. why didn't i? i guess after awhile, i started feeling comfortable...that or i was afraid of being lonely. for a whole year, all we did was argue back and forth. our relationship was on it's last thread. i can remember our arguments like it was yesterday. we had at least 4 a month. valentines day was awful, our birthdays was like any other day, christmas and new years eve....sigh* gives me a headache just thinking about it. i started straying away. not necessarily towards other guys. i just started focusing more on work, hmm...more like drowning myself in work and just hanging out with friends as much as possible.
it's funny...i noticed that he just didn't care anymore. he lefted everything up to me. he was never one to make even the simplest desicions, let alone a difficult one. he has actually told me one several occasions that i annoy him and that he didn't love me anymore and that he would be just fine without me. hmm....was that a sign? maybe he did wanted to end it, but did it in his own way. he wanted me to be the bad person and call it off. sigh*
don't get him wrong though...he is a great guy. he has his good moments. there must be some strange reason why i still love him......
i guess it's true. it does take a huge event to change someones view. when he went away for a month to cambodia, i felt like i could breathe again. it's funny, it was kind of nice to be on my own. what was i afraid of? i had a chance to rediscover myself and experience things as a single person. no, i didn't date anyone. i just lived life how i had been, just without the excess stress. when he got back, i continued doing things on my own. we needed space, lots of space away from each other. he agreed.
recently, i found out that he might be moving far away to own some family business in another state. it was nice to hear he was finally doing something productive. he would be gone for quite sometime. he called and mentioned that he was reluctant to go because he grew up here and this was where all his friends are and....me. i told him that this was a great opportunity to find himself. besides, his family was going to need all the help they can get. i told him that no matter what desicion he makes, i will always love him. despite all the hardship we've had, we had many good times. we have a long history together and that can never be forgotten.
what i notice about all this is that we both grew up to be totally different people. "things don't change, we grow clearer with ourselves." (i forgot who's quote was that)
anyhow, that's my story. i'm surprise i shared so much. i guess lately, i've just been having a lot of things on my mind. i feel pretty good right now. why? because i'm on my way to self-improvement. actually, i've been on this path to self-improvement and i'm happy with my progress.
let's see....job-wise. i'm looking to climb the corporate ladder. i used to be content with my job. not anymore. i'm actually beginning to think more about my future and where i want to be in the next 10 years. definately planning to go back to school as soon as i can. just gotta take baby steps to achieve my goals.
"I'll never achieve perfection, but if you're perfect, what's there to dream for, right? I'd rather have dreams -- even unachievable ones -- than have everything and be everything."
^^ i totally agree with what you said.
i also agree that talking about sex is very educational. i don't think anyone can be too experience in that subject. there is always something new to learn about, just like everything else in life. i've been to sex shops with friends (guys and girls) and you know at first it was a bit uncomfortable, but hey...i got use to it. it was kind of fun and interesting. hahaha*
mike, don't feel bad about the sleepover we had. things happen, it's not like you were expecting the call. i had lots of fun and it was so nice meeting your friend. i really like her.....and no not in that lesbian sort of way. it's been so long since i've been to a sleepover, i forgot how refreshing it was. to not think about work and being around new people and to sit around just talking about anything and everything, is really nice. it's like a mini-vacation from life. lol* btw, i give pretty good facials too. i really do because it's apart of my job. hahaha* i do makeovers and facials.
kareoke* woo hoo! someday is good enough for me. i'm up for kareoke anyday. clubbing isn't as bad as you think it is. it's like another place to chill and hang out with friends. i don't go as often as i use to because i do have more important things to do. once in a great while i'll go with my girlfriends or people i haven't seen in a long time. besides, dancing can be fun and a great cardio workout. and for the record, i never nor will i ever try drugs or smoke anything. i care about my health.
anyhow, good luck with your job interview today, mike.
[EDIT] did anyone see the gorgous new full moon a couple of days ago?? i couldn't stop staring at it. it's so mesmerizing. i've been camera-less since last week. sigh* i really need to buy a camera for my parents. they keep wanting to use mine. blah...
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
Come to think of it, we went to Sports Chalet too and I got mom excited about working out again. I'll buy her a tread mill once I have a job again and then show her how to work out correctly. If not, I might make a video of myself hahaha... Hmm.... "Fitness with Old Fart."
The salad: yup, it was that plus italian sausage. By the way, it took me 4 hours (!) to make a nice dinner last night: roast beef, salad, asparagus, mashed potatoes w/ gravy, mangoes, strawberry slush, orange juice. Mmmmm.... It's perhaps the best dinner I've made so far (and without a recipe! It was all made from scratch and through experimentation!) Am enjoying the left over as we speak Washing the dishes was a pain in the butt though, but luckily I washed them as I was cooking.
It's a very nice day today -- I might head over to the beach later this evening.
Your relationship actually starting going downhill within the first year? I thought it started only a few years ago... Anyway, after reading your story, I can definitely see that you two are making the same mistakes as me. Maybe first loves always are like that, but you have got to keep this in mind: when a relationship is strained over years, one or both partners will start to care less and less and make comments such as "if you leave, it doesn't matter to me." I said it. Kim said it. Over time one or both partners will start giving up and no compromises will be made again. Both will eventually start getting tired. What you have been doing -- taking a break from each other -- is good, in my opinion.
It seems that he doesn't know yet either what he may be losing until it's lost -- that's why he probably came back after the month you two broke up long time ago. It could take something as traumatic as a real break-up to wake one up like it did for me. And even then I don't suggest you two to get back together until the two of you have had your distance, alone-time, and reflection time. It takes TIME to reflect back on what was wrong and, if the relationship were important enough, to make changes for it. Heck, Kim and I broke up since July of last year and I haven't spoken with her for quite some time -- and I am STILL reflecting on what was wrong and what I want in life. It takes time for someone to change, as you already know. I still have so much to do that I'd like to accomplish for myself -- not for the broken relationship, but the improvements will definitely benefit whatever future relationship I may adventure into.
In other words, I have learned that one will not realize what is wrong/missing until you take a step back with a CLEAR mind and think about everything. That part is the most DIFFICULT thing to accomplish: to actually have a CLEAR mind to base your decisions on. There were times when I thought I was so SURE of everything and that nothing was influencing me, but now I know that that was not the case. It takes time, but when you do suddenly realize what was wrong/missing, it just hits you like a brick wall at 200mph -- big realizations seem to always happen when you least expect it and hit you when and where it hurts the most.
I know what you mean by things bottling up from love into resentment. That's when you start saying hurtful things to the other person, blaming him/her for all the problems. What should be the right thing to do is to not blame each other for the problems, but to actually find better ways in getting issues resolved -- an area that Kim and I did not have experience in and I didn't realize was lacking until it was too late. And while someone is filled with resentment, no matter what the other person does to make things up or to improve -- those changes will remain invisible until the resentment has waned. That's why it's even more important that you two take a break to reflect, rather than prolong an increasing tension.
Running away from the problems is a natural thing to do, especially if "everything I have done didn't work" is the case. Well, "everything I have done [that I can think of] didn't work." There are those who have better experience and they know what to do to fix things. There's always room for improvement somewhere. I can't blame you for drowning yourself in work though. When I reflect back, I think that's what I did too in my relationship: I became tired, frustrated, and gave up by drowning myself in work, computer/games, and movies. Partly I collected movies so that there's something nice to watch when Kim and I would have our own home, and partly because it was a way for me to escape the issues at work, at home, and in our relationship.
Neither of you know yet how valuable -- and yet so vulnerable -- a first relationship is and can be. It takes time, respect, compromises, experience, patience, and so on -- or, a BIG traumatic event -- to make things work. Don't get me wrong: I still have much to learn. So, in no way should you feel that I'm an expert in this matter.
what i notice about all this is that we both grew up to be totally different people. "things don't change, we grow clearer with ourselves." (i forgot who's quote was that)
I like that. Only when one really understands what he/she wants and who he/she is, will you be able to have a stronger relationship. I've learned that for a relationship to work, one needs to be able to be himself/herself while compromising with the other person to make the relationship -- not the other person -- work. In other words, it's not about changing the other person to be who you'd like him/her to be, but what you two can do for each other to make the relationship work.
I also feel that people who have differences can form better relationships, rather than very similar ones. You'd get bored to be with someone who's just like you. Most of the people I know who are still together very much are dissimilar from each other in so many ways, but all of them had several things in common: love, respect, patience, compromises, experience, loyalty. For me, all of those (with the exception of loyalty and experience) started waning when the relationship started going downhill.
Who knows? Your boyfriend taking a long break in Texas may be a good thing. It would allow both of you to re-discover yourselves and allow all the pain, hurt, frustration, and resentment to wane, and to make room for love, respect, and trust to re-surface. I know I have gone through a lot of that stuff the past few months and can only comment on how much I have improved on a physical, emotional, mature, and mental level. But what's extremely important during this time of separation is that both of you to stay true to each other and not see someone else. Otherwise, you'll only have made the other person your second choice. You already know my story: I refuse to date other people until my feelings for Kim have disappeared -- for I still have Kim in my heart as my first choice. Sure, dating other people would help me forget her, but do you date just so that you can forget someone? That's not fair to the date. There's a reason for why you still miss the other person from time to time, especially if you still think of the other person while dating someone else, right? That's why I refuse to see other people still -- until I stop thinking of her. Only then will I know that she's no longer my first choice.
How nice of you to hang out with your parents for a while. I am in the same boat as you are on this one. I don’t hang out with my parents very often. I basically just come home to sleep these days. I’d like to spend more time with them but for a variety of reasons that does not end up happening very often. I touch base with them on the weekend but my family spends a great deal of time at church on the weekends. I am not really a church goer and so that does kind of cut into our together time. Now that the Pope died, my mom is like in this weird deep mourning phase and will probably never come out of her church. Just kidding… but yes, I enjoy spending time with family, too. I just don’t get to spend as much time as I would like these days. I am glad to hear that you have had a chance to enjoy your family recently.
Ha! So thinking about your ex and reminiscing about stuff is giving you a headache? You poor thing! I know what you mean, though. There were times when I doubted my compatibility with Tim and we went through a few rough times, too. We worked it out because we adored each other but it was very obvious that we came from two very different planets.
There is a lot I could comment on both yours and Mike’s comments about your relationships but I won’t. I don’t understand a lot of what you were describing or even what Mike was describing because those kinds of things never happened to me. Tim would have dumped me rather than engage in any kind of drama. We did fight. In fact, that I can remeber we only ever had one huge blow out fight in the almost 4 years that I knew him. We broke up during this fight. I dumped him. Our “big” break up only lasted for a few hours but those few hours were full of high drama. We argued here and there (very different personalities) but our arguments and disagreements were always peppered with love. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and I am no expert. You did mention a few disturbing things; resentment, jealousy, accusations and only being together for convenience. Ouch! I believe that things don’t have to be that way. You deserve to have a boyfriend who makes you feel like you are the best. You seem like such a sweet girl, MB. I hope that you never settle for someone who doesn’t make you feel like an absolute queen. Best of luck, to you!!!
Yeah, sex shops can be pretty fun. Much like Mike, I still feel myself blush at certain objects in these stores but in general I get a huge kick out of going in to browse. It’s fun. I guess it depends on who I am with. If the other person has an open mind and is inquisitive without being weird or distasteful it makes for an entertaining fieldtrip.  Tim would never have gone with me to a sex shop. I wouldn’t have wanted him to go in a sex shop with me. He would have spoiled my fun if I had taken him with me to a sex shop. He did like the things I brought home from these places but the actual act of going to browse in a store would have been torture for him. Some people are just not into it, I guess… We both had a lot to learn. I am just glad that I was fortunate enough to have someone as gentle as him be there with me during this very new experience. I could not have asked for a more patient teacher than Tim. Poor guy… he waited a couple of years for me to be ready and more sure of myself before introducing me to sex. Ha! I hope I was worth the wait… just kidding Seriously though, he made no demands and just kind of let me do whatever I wanted. It was a wonderful way to be introduced to sex. Neither one of us was a pro but we were both very interested in having a good time together. I know that I still have a great to deal learn about sex/love making. I look forward to someday meeting someone with whom to continue the lessons. I am a typical woman though and enjoy the cuddling part of being intimate more than anything else.
Let’s so… I have been busy and so I have not been here in a while. I’ve missed you guys.
I fell off my bike two weeks ago today and sprained my ankle. Yes, I am a total klutz. My leg is scraped, I have a bruise on my thigh, and I have a bump on my head. My whole body hurts. It’s weird. When you are kid, you can fall and you just kind of pick yourself up and continue to play. I fell of my bike and people were like “Call an ambulance!” It was hysterical. I was fine until I saw the blood on my leg. Than I totally wussed out and started to cry. I can’t drive right now. I have been carpooling to work and school. No big deal. My boss (as usual) has been really cool. He’s a lazy guy but he’s a lazy guy with a huge heart. I really like him. If he would just get his butt in to work, I wouldn’t be looking for a new place of employment. Anyway, that’s a story of another day.
Mike: Ha! Ms. Desperate Housewife? You know? I have never watched that show. Is it any good? I heard it was… But no, I didn’t pursue anything. Stove guy was very handsome but he was not my type. I don’t specifically look for educated, college grads to date. I don’t believe that a college degree is a true measure of a persons worth but he was kind of just a pretty face kind of guy. Definitely not my type. I suppose that it is unfair of me to say that since I didn’t really know the guy. He just didn’t give off the right vibe. Otherwise, trust me; I would have been all over it. I’m not shy. Geeky, absolutely. But I’m not shy.
I’m glad that you are going back to school, MB. It’s important. It's totally important. This is something that is really hard to do once you are married and have kids and so I encourage you try to finish up your degree now. You could come to CSUF with me. That would be fun. I am working on my masters. It’s not easy to do with a full time job. I am late to class every day. I am hanging in there though. I just want to finish. Once, I have my master’s I will give it a rest. I’ll go after a Ph.D once I am more established in my career. Say in 5-8 years when I am in my 30’s.
It’s not a really good idea to get your Ph.D when you are too young and or not established in a career. Employees start looking at a Ph.D as a liability rather than an asset when you earn it, too young. I do want a Ph.D by the time I am 40 years old. We’ll see. At the rate I am going, I will finish my master’s when I am about 30 years old. I have some other personal goals to accomplish first (marriage, kids, buying a house etc.) before I go for a Ph.D.
I will be at a conference next week in San Marcos. I just wanted to drop in here and say hello to you and Mike. I hope that you are both doing well. Thank you for sharing your personal story. Twas very interesting!
I trust that you and your boyfriend are mature enough to make good life choices.
I just checked out some of Michael’s photos! Wow! Those are really neat! I’ll check out the other ones later. My friend just came to pick me up and I gotta run.
Welcome back, Lexi! How funny when you mentioned "drama" when dumping someone.
Mb, sometimes people can say the most ridiculous things just to try to get rid of someone. For one, I lied to Kim that I "made" myself love her and that I didn't have the guts to dump her before. I knew that it must have hurt her a lot, but I tried to make her move on and not wait for me. At that time, I did not know yet if the relationship was good for both of us (or me) and rather than make her wait with no definite answer, I said whatever I could to let her go.
Even to this day I still don't know if what I did was right or wrong... What do you girls think? On one hand, I wanted for her to wait for me while I figured out where we were at in our relationship (which would have made me very selfish), and on the other hand, I did not want to hurt her by having her wait for someone who didn't know himself whether he'd come back or not (which would make me less selfish and think more about her feelings.) I realized later that no matter which way I chose, she would be hurt in the process. I have never shared this with anyone before, not even with my close friends: during the 3 months I was away from Kim, I felt that all the hurt and pain I put Kim through was not deserving for someone like her. I felt a lot of shame and disgust at myself for having been such a bad boyfriend. The loss of employment made me feel even less manly (and I'm still feeling this today, although I've made great strides in very actively looking for jobs in recent weeks.) The long hours at ictp seem to have unconsciously had a very big impact on our relationship, but I am still very ashamed at how I could let that affect her and me.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say, mb, is that sometimes people say things that they don't mean, in an effort to hurt the other person in the least possible way. What they may not realize though is that that "least possible hurt" may actually be the worst of the available options -- but knowing which option to choose would only come from experience. Do you know what I mean?
I just finished my tax return. Both federal and state were filed electronically for free. What a pathetic refund... and the Unemployment Benefits further reduced the refund by $600!
Lexi, "Bully" has gotten sick the past 2 days with Ich disease. They are parasites that grow on the body and fins, and death can result from it. Bully hasn't been eating and has been resting on the gravel most of the day. He's even got this white defect on his brainy cap. We'll see if my treatments will heal him... Oh yeah, my most favorite fish right now is "Shaky" (see pictures in the Hobbies section.)
Mb *IS* a sweet girl. She'll be fine, trust me
How funny how you mentioned that when adults fall off a bike, that people would be calling the ambulance hehehehe... That's a funny insight!
I saw one episode of Desperate Housewives. It wasn't too bad. I primarily watched it for Teri Hatcher (she's so hot!) even though she could almost be my mom now. It usually takes someone to watch 3-4 episodes to get hooked on a TV show. Trust me on this one... It took most people 3 episodes of "24" or "Star Trek Voyager" or "Alias" before they'd get hooked. I guess it takes time to get to know the characters and the stories before an emotional connection can be established to the shows.
I didn't go snowboarding last weekend. Decided to save money and focus on getting a job and finishing my studies. Have been on a handful of interviews (mostly phone) and expect to have more this coming week. I'm also lowering my salary requirement from $50,000 to $48,000. Maybe that will make me look more attractive. I may even go down to $45,000 and work there while I look for a better job.
Good choice in pursuing your PhD ONLY after you've established yourself a career!
I separated him in a fish bowl and added 2 drops of medication. I think I added 1 too many and he must have suffocated overnight He seemed fine for a couple hours though before I went to sleep... Or maybe he was already so weak that he was going to die anyway. Either way, he's gone He kept looking at me when I was watching him for 10 or so minutes last night.
i'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your post. i've been going thru a lot lately (emotionally). i've been shuttting these emotions out so i can try to be happy as long as i can. deep down inside, i've been working things out on my own. i'm just tired of crying and i know once i confront these emotions, it's just going to be a long night. i will explain later when i have the time. today is my parents day to have me, so i must go back and spend time with them...
thank you both for your kind words. i know i'll be fine. i just need to get over this obstacle and i will be fine.
Funny that you ask about my musical abilities. I have not the faintest idea on how to play a musical instrument. I wish I did know how to play the piano or something. I love music! Any discretionary money that I have usually goes towards concerts and or a new album. I will listen to just about anything. Do you play an instrument?
I actually learned about your website when I was browsing the internet looking for information on this one Asian singer named Andy Lau. Have you heard of him? I guess you have since you have a picture of him on your website. A friend of mine likes his music and I wanted more information on him and where to buy his last album.
I am so sorry that Bully died! He was such a cute little guy. Aww? I still can not believe that I have managed to keep Gertie alive for this long. I am usually so bad at these things. Well, may Bully rest in peace.
Your comments about Kim?
Honestly, Mike, I am not sure what was worse. You lying to Kim to protect her or going ahead and stringing her along while you figured things out for yourself. It just seems like breaking up from the strained relationship was probably the best thing that ever happened to either one of you at that time even though it totally hurts.
I am going to be honest. I would have been so brokenhearted if Tim had told me that they ?made? themselves love me. No one has ever said anything that mean to me before and I am not sure how I would react to that. I would like to believe that I would have broken up with Tim if he had been inclined to say things like that to me. I know for a fact that it would take a lot to get me to say those words to someone no matter what the situation. I can be immature. I can be a little ditzy. I can be overly opinionated at times. You can even call me a pain in the ass? but no one can ever call me mean. I am glad that you two are not together anymore. It sounds like the two of you needed to get out of this abusive relationship at least for the time being.
You asked me which scenario I thought was better. If I had to pick one, I think the lesser of two evils would have been to simply break up with Kim while you figured out what exactly it was that you wanted. From the sounds of things, you did do exactly that sometime in July. I congratulate you on being mature enough to realize what you needed to do. I don?t know if I would have been able to think things through clearly given your situation. Good job!
I hope that I didn?t sound judgmental because I don't mean to. I swear, I do not mean to. I know that it is really hard to figure out how to make a relationship work. Especially when you don?t have that much experience to draw from. I do believe that you said some rotten things to Kim. It?s my understanding that she didn?t treat you that hot either. You both must have been kind at the end of your rope for things to deteriorate the way that they did. It totally sucks, doesn?t it?
I don?t get the impression that you are a mean or a horrible person. I am sure that Kim is a great person, too. I think you and Kim were simply experiencing strain in your relationship and you guys were just kind of growing up. I think that you, in particular, have come a long way from the person that you were last July. Sometimes it does take shocking events to get us to kind of wake up.
I?ve mentioned to you that Tim and I did not have the same problems as you and Kim did. Tim was nuts about me. I am not too sure about many things in life anymore but of that I am 100% certain. He was so cute, Mike. I could sit here and tell you a thousand different ways that he communicated his love for me. I won?t though because I have been missing him all day today and I will probably make myself start crying.
We needed to work on our relationship though, too. To try to tell you that Tim and I were different is a huge understatement. Apart from the obvious, he was a male and I am a female, difference, we really did not have ANYTHING in common. Despite this, we somehow fell in love. I think I mentioned that we were best friends first. I loved him because he was my friend first and foremost. The fact that we were attracted to each other and were able to become lovers was just a bonus. We were friends first before we ever fell in love. It was kind of a weird feeling to fall in love with my best friend but it just happened.
Tim and I had problems at times. They were not insurmountable problems. We were really good about talking things over. Tim was easy. As long as I held him, kissed him, and hugged him and told him that I loved him he would forgive me anything. One of my favorite movies is called, Ever After: A Cinderella Story starring Drew Barrymore. I think this is one of the cutest movies of all time. There is a scene in the movie where Drew Barrymore asks Leonardo De Vinci ?A bird may love a fish, Senor, but where will they live?? I always felt that this one little sentence described my thoughts on my relationship with Tim very well.
Tim was a card carrying member of the National Rifle Association. I am a total supporter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Tim loved to eat healthy. I am addicted to sugar and chocolate treats. I believe in the Democratic philosophy ?it takes a village? and Tim was more of an ?every man for himself? Republican. Tim listened to country music (yuck!). I mostly listen to alternative music. Our families are completely different, too. These differences were minor in comparison to other stuff. Without going into too much detail, Tim came from a loveless family (this was a BIG deal for me). My family would like to put me in a bubble and save me from harms way for the rest of my life. Coming from completely different backgrounds sometimes made me wonder if we could really last. He swore to me that it didn?t matter that we were so different. He used to tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he couldn?t live without me. Michael, I am not stupid, it was not the fact that I will scarf down a chocolate sundae for dinner and he preferred to grab for a fruit bowl, which alarmed me. It was the other stuff. My heart refused to listen to my head though and I fell for him pretty hard. I knew that we were all wrong for each other but for better or for worse, I loved Tim. I was so in love with him. I have nothing bad to say about Tim. He will always be my most cherished best friend. I could trust him with anything and it will be hard to find a new friend like him.
But believe me when I tell you that I understand that you were not always sure what to do or how to behave with Kim. Been there, done that! Things were not always a picnic for me, either. Ha! How the heck do I even get myself in these situations?!?!
I?ve still got some growing up to do, too but I am doing alright. I think my next relationship will be much easier. Losing Tim was super painful. I don?t know how but it forced me to kind of grow-up. I feel better equipped to handle myself and anything life throws my way these days.
Hey, listen! If you zone out all of my other ramblings that?s fine but pay attention to this cause I totally mean it. Don?t feel ashamed of yourself or think of yourself as a bad boyfriend. Really you shouldn?t. I think that your worst crime has been that you behaved immaturely towards Kim due in large part to your lack of experience and stress. Besides, there were two people in this relationship and it does not sound like you were dealing with someone who knew how to behave and make things better for either of you. You did the best that you knew how to at the time and you seem to have learned quite a bit since Kim and you broke up. Your next relationship should be a better experience for you. Cheers! To new beginnings!
Your job? let?s see?I predict that you will have a new job by this summer. Again, I have never really found myself unemployed and so I don?t know what that feels like. I?ve had a job since I was old enough to get one at 16 years of age. I did so to kind of assert my independence from my parents. You know how it is? I think that your asking anywhere between $45,000 and $50,000 to start off with is reasonable. You can always, get a raise or be promoted to a higher position within the organization once you have been hired. Don?t get discouraged! I would be worried if you had no experience. But you have experience and you seem to know what you are doing. I think you will find something soon. Concentrate on the interview and your resume. Did I tell you? There will be a record number of people who will retire from state, county, and city government on June 30th. They revamped our retirement packages and lowered the age of retirement to 55 years old. Actuaries are predicting that up to 45% of the government workforce will be eligible to retire and that perhaps 25% of those eligible actually will retire. That is A LOT of people that will need to be replaced. Many governments are gearing up to hire and fill those vacancies. They are just waiting to see if the President?s proposal is passed. I am already starting to interview for various positions myself. I want a new job?
I usually get my taxes done early. I turned mine in to the IRS in the end of January. I am a total early bird for these kinds of things. My refund was pathetic, too. Hehe, oh well?
MB: hey, chick! Try not to let things get to you. Life is too short to get yourself wound up over things. If you ever just need to talk, Mike has my email. Peace and good wishes to you!
I have to go pack my bags. Good night! I?ll see you all later!
I have no idea how to play an instrument either except for the thumping on the water melon to check its ripeness hehehe... "Ya, man!" in a Jamaican accent.
One of my childhood dreams was to play the piano, but space and money didn't permit that. The other instrument was a guitar, a violin, even an er-hu not too long ago.
Andy Lau? He's one of the most popular singers/actors and still is Did you find what you were looking for?
I agree with you that breaking up with Kim was one of the best things to happen to both of us (or at least to me) given how strained our relationship was. It reformed both of us in many ways... By far did I not know how to handle the relationship correctly then (still have much to learn, but I've got more experience and insight now, right?), and as a very close friend of mine and you pointed out recently: I couldn't have -- she was my first after all. The break-up caused a chain reaction of events and emotions that caused me to re-evaluate my life and make some serious changes. I am pretty happy with where I am now and where I'm heading to although I still care very much about her. But hey, as long as she's happy.
I'm glad that you agree that breaking up was the better choice rather than stringing her along while trying to figure things out. Some people said that I was stupid for letting her go when I still loved her strongly. But what could I have done that would hurt her the least? Exactly what I reluctantly chose to do in July, right? To Kim's credit though, she refused to let go. It wasn't easy seeing her in so much pain but I could not be selfish and string her along. At the same time though I had absolutely no idea what to do: Be cold and let her go or be the supportive, caring person? I tried to do one, then the other, then both... None of it worked. It made things worse for her.
My feelings for her often overwhelmed what logic said was the right thing to do (breaking up or taking a break) and I kept flip-flopping (listen to the heart or the mind? Supporting her or being cold?) in my inexperience with what to do. We were both advised to take a break, but that did not work either with the way we handled it. In hindsight, neither of us had a clear mind to think reasonably (our emotions were too strong) and neither of us were strong enough to completely follow through with "let's not see each other for 6 months." Even if we were, I probably wouldn't have known what to do during those 6 months, and she probably wouldn't have either. Again, the break-up was, ironically, a very welcome wake-up call.
It was really frustrating though. No solution seemed to work. But the worst thing: whatever we tried, it really hurt her the most! I wanted to stop all that pain -- she did not deserve all of that. I did not care about how painful it would be for ME. I was really ashamed for how ugly it all became... and eventually decided to say mean things to her in an attempt to make her leave and no longer love me. I felt that I didn't deserve her after everything that had happened. I even introduced her to someone in a final attempt. That's when I told her that I "made" myself love her. Obviously, that was really painful for her (trust me, it was for me too, and having to say it with a cold shoulder wasn't easy!) She eventually decided to leave me just at about the same time I finally got things figured out and wanted to share the good news with her. It was just 2 days prior to that day when she said that she still really loved me. The rest you already know.
So, in hindsight it was really painful for the both of us, but it's good that the break-up happened. I've come a long way and I'm sure she has also. Too bad she doesn't see the changes and is willing to give it one last shot. I don't think she'd regret it, but again, as long as she's happy, all the power to her.
How funny... Kim's a hardcore Republican just like your Tim (another similarity! ), and I'm leaning more towards the liberal side.
Why would you think I'm zoning out of your replies? In fact, I usually read it all at once and again when I reply. Thank you for pointing out that I acted immaturely towards Kim. I have no shame in admitting that because I was. I actually feel that I was like an 18-year old at that time and now I really do feel that I'm 28
You can forsee the future? Nice! I actually have a job interview with a company tomorrow that I really, really want to get into. So much that I'm actually willing to take a paycut down to $42,000! I've also found out why I didn't do so well in my past interviews (although I reached the final stage for most of them): lack of enthusiasm. I relied on a technique a former mentor taught me in how to negotiate the best salary -- well, that was really stupid. I do have in mind how I can still use what he taught me but in a slightly different way. Let's see if that will work
That's great news about government jobs! That's very good news indeed!
Mb is doing a bit better now. We talked for a while the past few days.
Hmm... I have been feeling quite happy all this week Hey, take care of yourself ya hear? There are LOTS of things to do in life!
Good luck on your job interview! I have a job interview tomorrow, too. I am interviewing with the City of Buena Park. Almost the same amount of money as I am earning now but I am going for it anyway.
I almost didn't make it in time to pick up my dry clean after work today. My ride was late. Luckily, I made it and have clean clothes to wear tomorrow after all. I really want this job...
Good morning. I just had one of the most surreal events in recent months. A song on my cell phone played this morning that I haven't heard for so long: the theme to Forrest Gump, the song I once painstakingly "composed" on my previous cell phone, the ringtone that I assigned specifically to someone special: Kim. I was listening in disbelief... Where was that music coming from? Why did it sound so familiar? Why was my heart beating so fast?
And then I finally came to realize that it was a call from Kim's cell phone, and yet I still couldn't believe it. I double-checked the caller ID. My heart pounded so quickly and loudly that I could feel every beat of it. I haven't felt like that for a very, very long time. I couldn't understand it. I never expected to feel that way, especially after so long.
I picked up the call, shakingly said, "Hello?"
It was her brother. It was good to hear from him again, but I also felt a great sense of disappointment.
"We are snowboarding right now. Do you need any tickets? We have an infinite amount of them," he said. I recalled that I wrote Kim an e-mail on Monday letting her know that she should be able to easily sell the extra tickets at the ticket line -- especially for $35 each. She bought them off of me for at-cost (didn't want to charge her more than I paid for) although I could have used the profit from the sale to people in line.
"No thanks," I replied. I can't afford to go snowboarding any more this season, although I still have enough in the bank to last me at least half a year without any parents' support. "Have fun at the slopes!" I said before we hung up.
I looked at the caller ID again in disbelief and my heart was still racing as if trying to set a new world record in a 100m sprinting competition. Discomfort was starting to set in and I felt like vomitting. Why was I feeling that way? I did not understand!
The day is beautiful like it has been the past week. There was plenty of fresh air coming into the room.
Yesterday was one of the most exciting days in recent months. I had a job interview with NDS Americas, the American division of UK-based NDS (nds.com.) It is 70% owned by News Corporation, parent company of Fox, TV Guide, DirecTV, National Geographic, and so much more. It's located in Newport Beach right next (literally!) to the Newport Beach Back Bay where I went khayaking half a year ago. What a view from the office windows!
The people were great. Friendly, accommodating, even cracking jokes, especially their Director of IT and Sr. HR lady. I was interviewing for a position I am totally overqualified for and thankfully they noticed that too.
"I am extremely excited about the prospect of joining NDS. So much that I'm willing to take a drop in responsibilities and duties just to get my foot in, and then grow from there," I said when asked why I wanted to take the Help Desk Administrator I position.
The Director of IT kept asking me a bunch of technical questions and it was very clear he had a lot of fun doing so, especially when a couple of the IT team members were there to ask me questions as well. I had fun answering them and we were both cracking up like total nerds, minus the pocket protector and snorting. If they were wearing glasses too, we probably would have pointing-fingered our eyeglasses while laughing. They look like they have been having a lot of fun working there the past 5-7 years and are a tight team. I like that.
We spoke for over an hour before I met with the HR lady again to take home a very, very extensive background check. I was excited! Is NDS the company I'll have my long-term career with? Is this the company I've been waiting for all this time? I have 3 other promising companies to choose from, and interviews with 2 more companies next week. The background check would take 12 days to complete, but the other companies look very promising as well. NDS definitely ranks very high on my list. Their higher-level engineers even get to travel around the World when something needed to be fixed, including China, Europe, and South America. Whoa.
I took a look at the benefits pamphlet. Incredible! This was the BEST benefits package I have EVER seen -- even better than what Capital Group is offering, and they were already impressive themselves! Four of my friends who work in the same industry were equally as impressed. As one of them said in huge surprise, "100% coverage?? All that?? Early retirement at age 55 too?" And that's coming from someone who's worked for a lot of major companies, including AmeriQuest, Fidelity, D-Link, and so on.
I went back to Neliance after the interview and completed the application and background check-related forms the same day and faxed them to NDS. I had already gotten out of my suit by then, still wearing my black socks, white undershirt, and my workout shorts. Didn't bring any clothes with me. My friends were cracking up at the sight of how ridiculous I looked, but the owner's girlfriend was dressed really funny herself too and so we laughed some more. I was dressed like the bad guy in "Kung Fu Hustle." hehehehe.... It was aaaall good.
Lexi, Ever After is one of my favorite movies
So, there we have it. Two major events the past 22 hours.
Mb, it kind of sucks to be working that early in the morning for so many days huh? Glad you got to go out and enjoy the day for a while
Lexi's having problems with her laptop after e-mailing me her response. I'll go ahead and post it here word-for-word. Lexi: I'll respond to it another time. Must... sleep...
Lexi (in an e-mail) wrote:Hi Michael,
My computer is down and so I figured I would respond to your last posting via email.
"Not sure what is wrong with it but I will turn in my laptop to the IT guys tomorrow at work and let the experts figure it out
Another thing that I miss about having Tim around. He was the computer programmer and my knight in shining armor whenever I had computer problems... it sucks not having him around.
Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am happy to hear that your job interview went well. I knew it would. I hope that they will extend you a job offer. It sounds if you would enjoy working there. A view of the beach... wow! My old boss used to always want to move our offices to Huntington Beach. I was all for it but most of the rest of the rest of the staff objected to it. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
My interview went well. It was as good as I could have done but for some reason I don't think that I got the job. I feel as if they had someone else in mind for the position even before they started the interviews. Do you ever get that feeling? I will continue to look. I'm not aggressively searching right now because I have a 101 other things that require my attention right now but as soon as my classes are over, I will really launch an aggressive campaign. I like my present work and I get a long real well with my present boss. I have been butting heads with his supervisor though. My boss is still MIA most of the time and I have to work with his supervisor a great deal. Yeah, I won't be happy if I have to report to her for too long a time. Our work styles are just too different. No big deal. I just would really rather work some place else and I will be making more of a consious effort to get out of here in the not too distant future.
I really am glad to hear about your good news though. I will be thinking good thoughts for you.
You are the sweetest guy. You know that? You made me laugh when you talked about your phone call from Kim's cell phone. It's amazing how similar you and I are sometimes. I can totally picture you starring in disbelief as your phone rang with Kim's song. That must have been a great feeling and a sad feeling at the same time. I am sorry that you had to go through that. Awww... Mike! I wish Kim would see the light and give you another chance. I really, really do. You seem like such a good person to me. I think you treated her pretty badly. I think you may have screwed up royally at times but I also sincerely believe (from what I have gathered from most of your postings, anyway) that you both behaved pretty badly and that this was due to many factors not really related to your character. It seems to me that for the time being you guys are probably better off apart and I can see you happy again in the near future with her or with somebody else. I wish you luck with Kim.
You know it is funny and kind of pathetic but I have crazy phone experiences, too. Like I have mentioned before it is always such a relief to hear your thoughts on Kim because it makes me feel as I am not such a pathetic geek. You know what I mean... you and I are very like minded. It's kind of creepy and funny at the same time!
I remember the first year or so after Tim died. Did I tell you that he died without a will? Well, he did and so it was several months before the probate court would let us do anything like turn off his utilitities, cable bill, and... phone bill. He had his phone still in service for well over a year. Having his phone line still in service was a very, extremly, crucifingly painful thing for me. I couldn't help myself a couple of times and I did actually dial his number once or twice just to hear his voice one more time on his answering machine say "Hi, this is Tim! I am not here to get your call right now but please feel free to leave a message!". Hearing his voice was both Heaven and Hell at the same time. Know what I mean?
I only called his number a few times because I recognized that after hearing his outgoing voice message I would hurt so badly that I could not function normally for weeks. I mean really not function, drop 46 lbs, not function. Not good when you are 5'' 8' and weigh 133 lbs to begin. Nothing would comfort me; not food, not water, not friends or family, not a darn thing. My whole body was in so much pain from the tips of my toes to the hair on my head. It was wierd. That is sooOOooo not me but I would turn to stone from the pain. I knew that it was doing me more harm than good to hear his voice and so I only did it a few times and than I stopped. Luckily for me, the temptation was taken away from me when after about a year or so, the judge stated that it was o.k. to start shutting down some of Tim's stuff. Another nightmarish experience... I'm not sure how I made it through it for alot of this stuff because for the most part, I made it through this whole thing alone. Not necessarily because people abandoned me, but because I had changed and I wanted, needed in fact, to be alone to kind of sort things out and figure things out for myself. I'm pretty sure that you understand this. I do sympathisize with anyone who goes through the loss of a loved one, including you, who's experience is similar if not the exact same.
I am quite impressed by you and your ability to put things into perspective so quickly and move on. Everyone heals at their own pace. I know this. It did seem to take me a long time to even begin to return to some semblance or normalacy and kind of a return to my old, optimistic self. I was down in the dumps for about two years. It was hard for me to be down in the dumps because that is just not my personality, but down there I was. You are right though when you say that one's core self rarely changes. I still totally love life and I am happy to have the opportunity to be here to enjoy it.
Isn't there a saying that states something like, "Whatever does not kill you only makes you stronger."? Ha! Isn't that the truth! You like Ever After, too? I tell you, it's creepy how much you and I have in common?!?! I love that movie! It's one of the only romances that I can still tolerate watching. The guy in the movie (I forget his name!) makes my knees weak. Drew Barrymore is adorable and the whole movie is just really cute.
Anyway, my lips are totally chapped. I need to go find my ChapStick and get to bed. I have a long day tomorrow with back to back meetings and class at night.
Hmm... the weather's kind of gloomy today. Anyway, passed my Cisco certification yesterday and will be certifying in something else later today before heading over to visit my parents. Might cook something for them again tomorrow hehehe...
Lexi, I received your 2nd, long e-mail and will be responding to it later. What problems was your laptop giving you? Did it get fixed?
Thank you for the congrats. Although I sort of already know what the word on NDS is, I won't jinx it. So, my mouth is and and and at the same time hehehe...
I know what you mean when you said that you felt they already had someone else in mind. This one interview I went to with a recruiter, I was very unenthusiastic that day and although he clearly said multiple times that he definitely wanted to get me to his client for an interview based on my "impressive" skills and resume (oh please!), I never heard from him again. Sent him a follow-up e-mail and he said that he was still in the process of scheduling interviews. Hmm... that was 1.5 weeks ago. I don't blame him. I was very unpassionate that day.
Lexi, keep in mind that even with an "aggressive" campaign, it'll take probably 1-2 months for you to land a new job. Heck, one of the companies has been e-mailing and calling me twice for an interview that I applied for back in February. They've even raised the salary offer to $52K, but I'm waiting for NDS. The right company, not the pay, is more important to me at this point. I'll worry more about higher pay once I get closer to starting a family. Doesn't mean I'll settle for anything low either Gotta get SOMETHING out of studying and working so hard the past few years, right?
Work been stressing you out? Some supervisors are just butt-heads and too set in their ways. As I learned the hard way, compromises are the way to go: in life, work, relationships, whatever. You've just got to be open to new ideas and make sacrifices. Just don't end up on the short end of the stick. I'm sure with all the work you've been tasked to do while your boss is MIA is only making you stronger.
One of my friends finally quit her job and she couldn't be any happier. I can hear in the way she talks that she's more content now, even a bit more sincere. Good for her Stress can subconsciously affect your mood in ways you don't realize.
Mb's also looking for another job and I've been talking to her about it for some time.
Looks like a bunch of people who I've been talking with (not just the two I just mentioned) are looking for a change in their work environment. Sometimes things got better, sometimes things got worse and they are looking for another job. "Keep your chin up," I always tell them. Each one of them has a unique situation though and their stress does show, but we usually hang up on a happy note. Things will work out in one way or another. Just give it time.
Lexi, I'm glad that you feel I'm a good person. I don't fully agree with that. After all, I royally screwed up in my past relationship and let things go the way they did. How could you hurt someone you love so much like I did? How did things get the way they did? I already know what I did wrong and based on who I've become, things will be alright with (or without) her or with someone else.
That crazy phone experience you mentioned sure sounds pathetic, doesn't it? hehehe... Well, guess what? I had one of her voice mails still in my cell phone, but it eventually got purged by Verizon. My answering machine at home still has one message from her on it. I've listened to it probably 3 times since we broke up, but the most recent time left me happy in a way: I love her voice and it makes me smile just remembering the good times and that she's happier now without me. I know it sounds weird: I'm sad without her, yet happy without her. She seems content with her life, and I don't want to ruin that for her. She'll be alright. It brings tears to my eyes though knowing that I'm not part of that happiness.
Anyway, the legal battle following Tim's death must have been hard for you. You did mention it before. So, how did it end up? Still going through it? I can imagine how painful, yet happy, it must have been for you to hear Tim's voice on his cell phone, and how painfully shredding it must have been when his cell phone service finally got cut off. I know that there will come a day when Kim's last voice mail on my answering machine will somehow get lost after an extended power failure. I haven't played it much -- in a way I'm afraid to -- but I know I'll be alright when it does get lost.
I finally know how she must have felt when her ex left her. He never told her why he broke it off, but from what I saw in-person at CSUF, he was a player. She got played. I sincerely hope it won't happen to her again -- she deserves someone good and doesn't need to lower her standards to feel loved and wanted. In fact, nobody should. I hate it when someone uses his skills and knowledge of women for his own good and lead someone on for sex or whatever. Is there such a thing as a female player? Either way, I despise people like that.
You dropped to 87lbs after hearing Tim's voice message? Yikes! Glad things are going well for you now though. Someone with that much love is bound to find someone who'll be right for you. Just remember that losing that much weight is unhealthy and nobody should go through that again.
Yes, I understand when you said that you needed time to yourself to sort things out. It takes a very, very long time to get yourself back on track, especially after having been in a relationship that lasted so long. Anybody who can get over a long-term relationship within just a few months or weeks amazes me. I don't think I can do that. So, don't be ashamed that it's been taking you 2 years thus far. It's been 6 months for me and I still love Kim dearly -- heck, more than I ever did. So, it's okay, Lexi. Just be sure you aren't interested in someone when you're still in a rebound state. Nobody I know can confidently say that they'd know when they are in a rebound, even those with tons of experience. It's also during that time when you're most vulnerable. As two of them said, "I generally wait for a year before I start dating again." Though that's hard (believe me, I know), that's good advice.
Lexi, you said that you're impressed that I can move on so quickly. I don't know if I'm really moving on. I'm still hoping deep in my heart that Kim will one day knock on the door, hug me, and ask if we can try to fall in love all over again. I think we can. But anyway, note that I said "hoping". I don't think of it, but I know that's what my heart's been wanting. I feel it right this instant. But if she feels I can't make her happy any more, then that's all I can do: cherish what we used to have. Don't worry, I'm okay. After finishing this reply, I'll be leaving my apartment and do something else. I'm also expecting a musical instrument shipment from UPS today and that should keep me occupied. Believe it or not, the computer no longer gives me the high I used to have. It's just something I use now to get stuff done. So, the musical instrument will be very welcome
Sounds like you've come a long way yourself. Congratulations And you did it without Jenny Craig! Hehehe... Okay, bad joke. Let's leave it at that. I'm glad you're slowly letting Tim go. Just do it at your own pace and open yourself up when you're ready. That's why I told you a while ago why I refused to call up that girl I met at Sports Chalet and again at The Block, even if she were to give me her phone number again. Do you understand now?
Yup, Drew Barrymore melted me in Ever After as well. Can't say the same about Dougray Scott though (Prince Henry) for obvious reasons Try "Shakespeare in Love" sometime. I didn't fully understand it the first time, but the second time was better. "Meet Joe Black" is another nice one. I especially love the music that's played during the wedding at the end of the movie. Claire Forlani looked good in that movie, but she's so bony.
Okay, on to read your other e-mail and respond to it. Then I'll be outta here
Take care,
Michael
EDIT: Oh, forgot to share with you that I've learned a lot after seeing how other people behave in their relationships. Some good, some bad. I've even remembered many of the good things I used to do for Kim. Did I ever tell you how I spent 1.5 years making 2001 paper cranes and 5000 paper stars for her first birthday spent as a couple? I can clearly remember her face when I gave them to her. I can still feel the pain my fingers experienced making them hahaha... I'm glad I could at least have given her some happiness then and for having been privileged to once been loved by her
Anyway, the UPS shipment just arrived and I can't wait opening it up! hehehe! Woo! Bye!
Music
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Work is going great. Still very busy though. I feel like I have not seen friends or family for weeks even though I live at home and I am still in the same neighborhood. Know what I mean? I get in to work before sunrise and I am usually not home until evening.. 
I am eternally grateful to him for his patience with me during these times. Thanks to his patience, nurturing, and coaching, I grew up. Our relationship blossomed. He could have (and probably should have!) kicked me to the curb and looked for a woman who was on the same page as him but instead he chose to stay, shower me with love, and help me to get to where he was at in our relationship. He was sooOOoo in love with me. He was also a true best friend who always had my best interest at heart. Tim was a total champ. I still don?t know how I got so lucky in nabbing a guy like him my first time out the gate. 
It was one of my new FAVORITE fishes. I told MB the other day that it seems that all my all-time favorite fishes seem to die. Remember Nemo? This one was completely white and had a red "cap" (no, it's not an Oranda like Bully) and best yet: a red, horizontal dash on its tail. I loved it right away (just wait till I post its picture) because it looked and behaved like a little, young boy with a backward baseball hat on its head. Couldn't figure out a name for it, but I felt this energy from it that eventually earned it its name of "Torpedo." Good name. Torpedo died anyway 
i really do because it's apart of my job. hahaha* i do makeovers and facials. 
You poor thing! I know what you mean, though. There were times when I doubted my compatibility with Tim and we went through a few rough times, too. We worked it out because we adored each other but it was very obvious that we came from two very different planets. 
and 
and 
and 
at the same time hehehe...
Glad things are going well for you now though. Someone with that much love is bound to find someone who'll be right for you. Just remember that losing that much weight is unhealthy and nobody should go through that again.](./images/smilies/eusa_wall.gif "Brick wall"){kind=small}
Let's leave it at that.