Hello
You ladies love chocolate, don't you? haha... I like certain types of chocolate, particularly those from Switzerland, but in this day and age, I've got to watch my figure, if you know what I mean? *walking around like a model and then falling down the runway*
Mb, hope the inventorying at your work isn't taking its toll on you. Leave some energy for when you come over so that I can bug the heck out of you!
Hope things at home are doing well for you too now.
I've picked up a new hobby to keep me busy. Always been wanting to do it but never did due to the large amount of research you have to do. Wondering what that may be? Well, you'll see when we meet again
Warmth and the feeling of love and care has been coming back to me the past couple days. If I can't share my love and caring with my ex, then I might as well direct it towards something else, right? So happy
(Well, not 100% happy, but you get the idea.)
So, shall I post my reply before heading to bed this late in the morning?
I applied to ConAgra Foods for a full-time position last week. I hope I'll get in because the job description sounds TAILOR-MADE! There still is a chance for me to turn it down though depending on the work environment and the company's culture/ IT Department's culture.
The other day I also saw a $55,000-$65,000 IT opening for the City of Brea. Sounded tempting (because I wouldn't mind having a stable government job), but the amount of work and knowledge they expect you to have was just INSANE for this pay range.
Lexi,
Two of the videos have been completed. My current favorite is the Aquarium of the Bay (San Francisco) one. Mb will definitely be going to see it, and perhaps one day I may have the priviledge of showing it to you as well. The most endearing vacation tape -- I'm too scared in a way to even start it. It's the video that was shot at Universal Studios a month after we officially became a couple. We looked so happy together then. Another reason for why I somewhat refuse to work on it is because I've told myself that there are other priorities right now. One, starting my career up again. Two, finding the cheery, sarcastic, friendly, caring, dry-humored self again. Three, making improvements in life and family. Four, strengthening existing or potential friendships that are worth keeping. An unmentioned priority is to try to always be there for my first love because I know that one day she'll be hurt. With the pain and hurt of recent, I hope that I'll be able to find it in me somewhere to still be there for her when that day comes.
So, that Universal Studios video may take a while to finish. Oh, another priority is to get HKSS.com renovated.
Bored yet? Yeah, me too. Change of topic.
Thank you for the birthday wishes. Guess what? My ex didn't call, e-mail, or text message me that day to send her wishes. It struck me: I've been pushed out of her radar completely. Well, her loss. I know I'm not as stupid or as bad as she tended to make me feel like. One of my female friends unknowingly reminded me that I AM significant and intelligent -- just in ways that my ex took and has been taken for granted.
Enough of pointing fingers though. The relationship turned bad due to a vicious cycle that just kept building up and was left unresolved. I played a big part in it, and I also know that work played a major part in it. So, I'll leave it at that.
As you can probably tell, I'm in a weird mood today. Well, not really weird because it's fueled by something that I saw the other day while driving on the freeway, but I'll leave that alone too. So, I'm just writing whatever's coming into my mind right now so that tomorrow when the head is clear again, I can come back and try to comprehend my current mood. It helps sometimes
I wish I could do something for you on the 20th, Tim's birthday. Let me know if you want to meet up with mb_rockstar and me and we can figure something out
You know what, Lexi? Even though you've been hurt by your loss, I think it's safe to say that if Tim were still here, he'd WANT you to be happy. He'd WANT you to remember the 20th not as a reminder of you missing him, but as you being thankful for the wonderful 4 years you two had together. When that day comes, look up into the sky, smile, and thank him. Then try to enjoy that day and the rest of your life because I'm sure that when you're happy, his heart would fill with warmth and joy. That's how I feel toward my ex right now. I have seen things in her eyes and words that are very painful to see, but at the same time knowing that she's happy tends to put a smile on my face. You know? I've been singing along songs again not too long ago. The last time I did that was back in high school!
So, smile, try to be happy, and enjoy your life -- Tim would want you to do that.
I think he'd want you to find someone who'd make you laugh just as much as he did.
I'm also slowly re-emerging with my friends. My friends know what I'm going through, but only 2 of them regularly ask me how I am doing. In fact, one of them (the same female friend who unknowingly reminded me of what kind of person I am) is trying to cheer me up later tonight by cooking a delicious meal we haven't had for a while. We used to be close friends but the break-up took us apart so much that we nearly became strangers. Her boyfriend also is a good friend and has been giving me encouraging words.
I think I've improved quite a bit. I can't let my ex hurt me any more (I know it's unintentional), and definitely not a former friend of mine either. The new hobby really put a smile on my face throughout yesterday and earlier this evening prior to replying here. Oh, there's a sad story I could share along with the hobby, but it'll be secret for now
Mohawk? Nice! The time when you do that for a whole week, completely spray-painted in various neon colors, I'll shave my head for the first time. Deal? Yeah, my buddies are gonna get a laugh out of this one!
Correction, Lexi: Kim's parents NEVER welcomed me (at least not physically.) I knew they accepted me through Kim, but I never felt welcomed -- ever. Except that one night when her dad invited me for dinner after washing her car and her dad's van. I chickened out. Why? As I said before: I never felt welcomed and our first conversation wasn't the friendliest either.
Very true, your next boyfriend IS going to owe you big-time for being more assertive while still loving your family. It took me a while with my own family as well, but I can see that my parents love and care for me more than ever now. See? Sometimes causing a little friction can do wonders
I've also been told by grandpa over 4 months ago that among all his grandchildren, I was his favorite. Hard to believe as he always called me (endearingly) a "useless penis" while growing up. You see, I'm not as much a handy person as my dad, but looking back, I realize that I am NOT that useless either when compared to all my relatives and the people around me. I may lack the experience in life (hey, remember that essay about my family? Considering what we went through, I think I turned out pretty okay), but I definitely am making up for it in other areas. Anyway, after grandpa sharing his feelings about me and after noticing how much grandma likes me too, I felt better. Then the break-up with Kim happened and boom, I felt like CRAP during this road to recovery.
The other day, grandma gave me a call and said things that really warmed up my heart. I'll be seeing them again soon.
Hahaha... that story about you decorating Tim's home
It made me laugh (even after reading it for the second time!) You know what's funny? I was actually going to buy that banana hammock over 2 months ago as my fruit basket!
Settled on a big bowl from Walmart instead
When you described how you enjoyed decorating his home, it reminded me of my refusal to decorate my apartment. You see, mom was always against me doing any decorations while renting a place. Her reasoning was that it wasn't a permanent home, would be a hassle to move, and you'd be throwing away most of the things once you purchased your own house. You could buy everything brand-new and mix and match to your heart's delight with the money saved over the years once you do have a permanent home. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, Kim didn't like that and it apparently caused friction within herself. I always felt that we were going to get married soon and that I'd LOVE to start decorating our new home. So, I kept refusing to furnish my apartment and used milk boxes as furniture instead. How ghetto was that? hahaha... Well, my place looks a lot better now and mom actually was happy with what I did. I told her not to be upset and that I wanted to do this because it makes me feel better. She smiled and commented on how nice some of the decorations are. Then I hinted at her about my new hobby and she smiled again with a weird look this time. I can't wait to show it to her next time
You can't believe how MUCH I've learned the past half year and how much I've accomplished -- especially the things I had ALWAYS wanted to do but just never took the step to start (or finish) it. Again, my horrendous hours at work took a BIG toll in me. I actually recalled earlier today that my energy level had indeed dropped ever since I started working there.
Scuba diving still is on my list of things to try once it gets warmer
You have to take a certification for it before you can go on your own. I've heard stories of a few people panicking during a test where they are placed in-between sea weed and drowned. Brrrr!
Yes, I never was sure why Kim changed her mind overnight about dating me. Remember, for a whole year she kept telling me that there was absolutely NO chance of a date. She's mysterious in some ways. This was one of them. Even now she's sort of mysterious about why she's so unwilling to give me one chance to prove myself, but a few looks into her eye and I found what I needed to know. Her heart's telling me a different story though, especially when she and I are alone by ourselves. It's much more different than what she's been telling me through her mouth. I guess that's why she refuses to stay over by ourselves. Her mind's somewhere else. I hope she won't get hurt.
Don't get me wrong, even though I didn't know why she changed her mind, her love for me was unquestionable! My love for her was questionable though. Remember, we got off on the wrong foot. My love for her now is much stronger than 5 years ago (for sure), but even if she does offer to come back today, I'd open up my arms wide, hold her, hug her, and then take a deep look into her eyes and see what's going on. In other words, with the pain and suffering I've been going through, I know I won't welcome her back 100%. It'd take time to consolidate and work things out, and it'd also be up to how much our love for each other would be when that time comes.
Would I be a good boyfriend? I think so. Still have lots to learn, but with enough respect, love, care, trust, patience, respect, love, and trust, almost any relationship will work out.
Lexi, when you said that if you truly love someone, things will work out on their own, I have to partially disagree. I knew I loved Kim. I knew she loved me unconditionally. I just didn't know how to handle the relationship, particularly with the negativity and stress from work. It would be more accurate to say, "If you truly love someone, and you have the appropriate knowledge and experience, things will work out on their own."
Haha... teacher's pet
I was the pet for many adults during my childhood as well: school, friends' parents, etc. No, wasn't kissing up or anything. They just treated me better than others for some reason.
I remember back in 5th grade, I had always been a peaceful person who tried to avoid confrontations (hey, living through a war was bad enough!) and so whenever somebody bullied me (Asians were a huge minority in Austria at that time), most of the girls in the classroom would gather around me and just yell at the person. Even the pretty girls came to my rescue
I felt like a wimp and was ashamed, but in hindsight, it only highlights that I try to resolve problems without violence. Nothing beats living through a violent time as a little child during a war.
That Brazilian restaurant sounds like fun! I'm sure I'd have blushed if it were me in there. I enjoy food and am not afraid to try anything new. Heck, I ate alligator, rabbit, lamb, and other meats all on the same night at that Brazilian restaurant! I even tend to mix and match odd foods to see how they tasted (that female friend of mine I mentioned twice earlier does the same thing.) I'm also usually the one who'd be brave enough to order something that nobody else wanted to try. You know... there are those who like to explore and there are those who like to stick to food they know they'll like.
I remember that Boba shop in Rowland Heights. Red Bean? Forgot what it's called. I tried 5 different drinks and all 5 were nasty! Then I tried one of my friends' regular drinks (again, he sticks to stuff he knows he'll like) and sort of like it. Nothing spectacular or anything. I'll stick to TeaZone, thank you. My friends kept laughing about how surreal it was that 5 tries had 5 strikes. But they were glad I was the one experimenting because they were eager to find a new favorite. Too bad I eventually gave up on that Boba chain
Yup, made Orange Chicken on Sunday with a Korean friend of mine and her ex-boyfriend. It didn't come out like this one restaurant I like, but it wasn't bad. They both liked it.
Next on my list is Chicken Soup. Yup, good old-fashioned Chicken Soup. Made some last week for the snowboarding trip, but it didn't come out like how I wanted it to. I mean, it was good until I added potato and a bunch of other veggies. Learn and try again
The snowboard trip was cancelled since it was raining and there would have been a winterstorm. Sure enough, the day of my birthday, Mt. High closed at 11am. Big Bear Mountain closed completely and a few of my acquaintances were forced to turn around and go home. Well, I was stuck with a veggie-filled chicken soup enough to feed at least 15 people! I'm almost done with it all. Just one more day...
Then I have to finish the two Austrian cakes as well before making Chicken Soup Attempt #2 for this coming weekend (I plan on going snowboarding with or without Kim. I haven't told her about it yet as I'm still hurt by her forgetting to send me her wishes on the actual birthday. It shows how important she regards me now. Thanks, "buddy.") Anyway, mom also called to let me know she made a LOT of Sour soup that's ready for pick-up next time I come visit. Yikes! This month is Soup month!
I'll attempt to make Vietnamese Pho sometime. I love Pho! What the pho? hehehe... It's best on a rainy day or a cold winter night (like right now!) Hmm... I just mentioned another soup dish. Ack.
Mom made wonton a few weeks ago. I'll have to remember to ask her how she made them. She'll be teaching me how to make Sour soup sometime. Mmmm! Spend some quality time with mom at the same time
Other goals include upgrading my car's standard audio system, and I'll use that opportunity to spend time with dad (although I could figure it out on my own. I'm the type of person who may not know how to do something, but by golly, I am very good at research and figuring things out. One of my former employers helped me realize that, and recently, one of my friends reminded me how good I am with troubleshooting. Got any trouble for me to shoot? hehehe... Yeah, dry humor, I know.)
What else would I like to do? Oh, the past few months I had been conquering a lot of my fears. Considering how my dad is in some ways, I think I've accomplished a lot of things by breaking his weaknesses that I found within me. One fear I definitely would like to break someday is: the beach. Dad loves swimming in the ocean. I am afraid of it. Mainly due to Jaws (the movies.) The water is so green and I can't see what's underneath! Scuba diving will definitely help with that fear of the unknown.
One fear I don't think I'll ever be able to conquer: dating. I'm scared of it. I have no experience with it. Pretty woman comes along and I shy away big-time. I stumble. I choke. I look around frantically trying to avoid eye contact, even after I've known her for a while. I don't know what to say. I make a fool out of myself trying to make jokes. I may even run into walls or the door by accident (hey, did that with Kim a couple times.)
What I definitely wouldn't do to impress a woman: driving recklessly, smoking, drinking, flexing my muscles (or in my case, love handles hehehe), moving my eyelids up and down, walking down the runway and falling off of it (actually, I might do that!)
Would that fear I just described prevent me from finding someone? No. I've been lucky that I never really had to ask anyone out once people knew me well enough. I'm not saying that I'm a hottie. No, not at all! I'm saying I'm someone who'd fall off the runway even if I were a hottie. I just turned everybody down due to my loyalty for Kim despite the problems we had.
Come to think of it, I actually realized that I like the nerdy type. One of my friends cracked up when he heard that. What's wrong with that? Kim is geeky AND pretty. I guess I like the look of a fun-loving, intelligent, yet goofy, sweet and innocent, yet sexy woman.
Am I in the market right now? Some people feel that I should. No. I don't want to hurt anyone.
Contrary to you and Mb, I actually enjoy the rain. As a kid, I'd purposely get off the tram (in Austria) and walk in the rain. The stupid me actually had a bright idea: how about walking in the rain and use your kung fu skills (yeah, those supernatural powers you see in the likes of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) to avoid the rain drops? For a while I actually thought I was able to do it! I'd be walking down a street and only feel a couple drops land on my head! Niiiiiiiice! Well, duh. It wasn't even raining that hard hehehe...
I'd have loved to jump into puddles, but we were poor at that time and I knew we couldn't afford new clothing. I also didn't want mom to have to wash extra clothing.
I sometimes like to drive in the rain. I just find the splashing of water to the sides of the car very fun when you drive over puddles. But when I do that, I am always careful to make sure no pedestrian was around. Wouldn't want to make anyone wet now, would we? But one thing I do dislike about rain: when I want to go to the beach or when I have to drive in the dark. My vision's not as good as it used to be (used to have 20/10), and so driving in the rain often becomes a pain.
Driving in the rain also allows me to spend some quality time with myself. No, not that, you perv! Listening to music, thinking, relaxing... stuff like that. When it rains, traffic tends to be light and slow. That's why sometimes I actually don't mind being stuck in traffic either, especially when I was with Kim, although that was difficult at times: traffic drives her NUTS. Her mood's very susceptible to stress, but I don't want to talk about her weaknesses right now. That's for her to work on and not for me to nag on any more.
Lexi and MB: you both should watch your sugar intake. My grandma's a diabetic partially because of that. Sugar can only be good up to a certain point (as everything else in life.) Heck, sugar is so bad for you at times that I'm craving a chocolate bar right now hehehehe.... Actually, I need sleep. It's 5:30am. I'll have to be up by 9am today. It's a personal goal I'm setting -- trying to get back on a regular schedule now that I'm applying for jobs again.
Oh shoot! I didn't realize I've already shared with you all that I have a fish tank! Hmph. See? I'm stupid
Well, the "new hobby" I was talking about is the fish tank. I really, really enjoyed decorating it. I've even come up with a few contraptions to add a little spunk into the tank without spending a dollar (I spent 99 cents.) Bubbles are blowing, things are swaying in the air... errr... water. Gravel looks nice and I have a couple more ideas, but I think I'll slow down for now until I've learned how to properly care for the tank and its inhabitants.
Anyway, the sad story I mentioned earlier about the hobby: I bought 2 common goldfishes today. One was all-orange, one was a red-white one. When I got the latter, I felt it was ugly, but I've come to love it. I named it Nemo because on one side, it had red/white patterns like Finding Nemo. The orange one I called Sleepy because it was always at the bottom of the tank, even when I placed in some food. I knew from my research that it meant that it was sick. Well, didn't know it was THAT sick. Five hours after the purchase, I noticed that one of its eyes became a blurry red. It could barely see out of it! It was so weak and always hiding in the corner.
Nemo kept bullying Sleepy when they both were still in the bag. I thought, "What a jerk! What am I going to do with him (or her)?"
But what touched my heart was how Nemo stayed with Sleepy all the time the past couple hours as if sensing that Sleepy was dying. Every time I looked at the aquarium, Nemo would swim up to me, looked at me, and then swam back to Sleepy as if to remind me that it's sick.
After doing some research, I found that Sleepy had Fish Tuberculosis. It had already progressed to the point that it cannot be saved any more. I felt sooo bad (boy, do I sound gay!) and just kept looking at Sleepy. Whenever I did that, Sleepy would actually attempt to swim towards me, but it got too weak by then.
I was basically wishing and hoping that I'd be able to cure it, but after doing some more research, I found something that just tore me apart: the disease is infectious, even to humans (to some degree.) I had to basically get Sleepy out and let it die before it infected Nemo! Ack. I had to watch Sleepy die in the fish net. It was too weak to even move its fins! After it died, I let Sleepy find its peace in the toilet.
Then I went back to the tank and looked for Nemo. It was just sitting there on the bottom as if it was missing Sleepy, but a few minutes later it swam up to my finger, looked at me for a few minutes, kept following my finger, and then eventually it'd swim quickly to the top of the surface and start popping the air bubbles. It was sooo fun to watch! I was thinking, "What is Nemo doing? Does the tank have enough oxygen? Is that why it's going to the surface?" I was paranoid that I was about to lose another fish by tomorrow, but when I realized that it was just playing with the bubbles, it brought a big sigh of relief
Then I watched it playfully swim against the current of the water filter. It kept playing and playing and popping bubbles after bubbles. It made me feel as if I was watching a kid at play
Eventually I got ready for sleep (well, you already know what I ended up doing: writing this reply post.) Checked on Nemo again before turning off the light and by golly, it swam up to me again. Then it went into a corner as if it knew it was time to sleep.
So, that ugly fish turned out to be one of my favorite fishes. Well, at this moment, it's my ONLY fish heheehe... I plan on purchasing 6 Ghost Shrimps tomorrow to help with the cleanup of the bottom, and 1 more Common Goldfish to keep Nemo company. I'm not sure if I should buy the latter though. After all, Sleepy was sick. What if the rest of the tank at Brea's Walmart was sick too? We'll see how the Goldfishes are moving tomorrow.
See? I've diverted my love and care towards something else other than Kim. Isn't that great? I feel like... I'm slowly finding myself again. The caring, gentle, fun-loving me. The smiling and playful side still hasn't returned yet, but my female friend has been trying to get those out of me recently. She cracks me up at times!
Ice cream... love them. Gotta stay away from them though as I know that consuming large amounts will cause me to gain weight and break out (pimples) on my face. My parents' shop sells ice cream and I can usually eat my heart out, even creating combinations you normally wouldn't be able to purchase in stores
But hey, I'm not going to throw away nearly a year's full of work in shedding 15 lbs. Ten more pounds to go
You've got a Betta fish? hehehe... My female friend jokingly suggested to let me drop her Betta into my tank. Heck no! I don't want Nemo to die!
I haven't done any research on how to maintain fish bowls, but it's probably safe to say that you should change 15-20% of the water twice a week for maximum health. If you don't have the time, then once a week is fine. Just don't change more than 20% at a time. Refill with tap water. And in all situations, you should change 50-75% of the water once every month. You should also only feed the fish enough food for it ALL to be consumed COMPLETELY. Any leftovers should be scooped out or they'll start rotting and promote diseases and bad bacterial growth.
The rain has stopped. 6am sharp.
Hmm.. oh, I'm planning to buy a very extra-ordinary toy for myself for use with the fish tank
THAT you will have to see yourself. So, I'm going to try to keep THAT a secret for now
I'm also going to buy a sign to be placed into the tank. Possible words I plan on using:
"Danger - Fishes on Drugs"
"No Skinny Dipping"
"Found Nemo"
"F* You" (I can only imagine how this would crack up a LOT of people, but it can also be offensive to some others.)
"I'd rather be swimming in a Honda"
Any funny suggestions on what to put on the sign? I've found a place that can custom-make one for about $15 shipped.
Or I may settle for the generic, "No Fishing" sign if I find a design I like. I'm also in the market for a Red-roofed pagoda or Red-columned Asian gate no more than 4" tall and 3" wide.
Okie dokie. Time for sleep.
Thanks for umm... "listening." You all have a GOOD day!
Michael
EDIT: How did you know it was my birthday this past weekend?