Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 8:06 pm
Lexi,
Please excuse my writing tonight. I'm a bit tired and the words may not flow nicely...
So, how did we meet? It was over 7 years ago at Fullerton Community College in Chinese Class. Across the room, there she was: magnificent, beautiful, full of joy and sunshine. I remember the shy me dropping my head to the table in utter shyness and awe. Her laughter rang bells in my ears even to this day.
Okay, enough of the mushy stuff. Indeed, I was a very shy person at that time. I liked her a lot -- her personality really shined through across the room. The energy and the passion the brought to the class was just magnificent.
In that class, I only had one chance to talk to her: when we had to describe a personal photo to each other in Chinese. It was also a few nights afterwards where a male picked her up from class when my heart just dropped to the ground in disappointment: she was taken, so I thought. I believe it was the older brother of one of our mutual friends back then.
A year passed and we never saw each other again until in Business Writing class at Cal State Fullerton. (Yup, just like you, it was a writing class.) I knew nobody in the classroom, but that didn't matter. The moment I laid foot in the room, what caught my eyes immediately was ... the sun? No, her!
I really wanted to sit next to her, but the shy me took over and decided to sit a row in FRONT of her instead. (This very same thing repeated itself a year later at the movie theater -- more about that later.)
Eventually, we got together to form a group to do a class project. That's when we started talking more and got to know each other. One of our biggest strengths is that we both are creative, are not slackers, and get the job done above and beyond the call of duty. We bonded very quickly and became best friends.
At that time, she was still not over her ex-boyfriend yet (he left her over a year prior to that day.) As it turned out a year later, I found that he was a player: he actually dated TWO women on the very same evening! She did not believe me at first, but I think that she now does. He was using her... We never talked about him again as it hurt her a lot. It sometimes tore me apart not knowing what happened to her in the past -- I wanted to share tha pain with her, but I knew that bringing it all up would not be a good idea.
One night, I took her to the beach with helium balloons and notecards. I wanted her to write down everything she loved and hated about her ex on those cards, tie them to the balloons and let them go. I wanted to help her move on... She didn't want to do that at all. My heart dropped in sadness at that time.
I think you probably have read about this in previous posts before: I looked for her car every single day to drop off a note with jokes and motivational quotes (of which I still have a copy in my folder of memories) on her windshield. It was REALLY difficult to find her car daily as the parking lot was so large!
I also bought her a large Tigger doll for her birthday. She loved it and even to this day she is sleeping with it in her bed (I think.)
I realized that I was in love with her... So, while I was working at Sam's Club in Fullerton, I decided to wow her with the biggest project I had ever set my mind to:
I created 2,001 paper cranes to symbolize our graduation year of 2001. I also made over 3,000 paper stars (or was it 5,000? I don't remember) for her birthday because I knew she loved them. This entire process took 1.5 years and a LOT of time, energy, effort, and pain. My fingers were just hurting during this entire time... Not even the piece of cloth I ripped to protect my fingers would help.
While all of this was going on, two years of best friendship had already passed. The latter year of that period was extremely painful for me: I kept asking her to give me a chance for a date. She always refused, but I didn't want to give up. A year later, I just couldn't take it any more and asked her if we would EVER have a chance for a date. She said "no." That was one of the most painful moments in my life.
The turning point came on February 18, 2000 when we decided to drive to San Francisco together for a little vacation. I never booked a hotel before and didn't realize that you can only check in between 1pm and 9pm. We arrived in San Francisco around 1am and weren't allowed to check in. So, we slept in the car instead...
When we woke up late morning, that's when she looked at me, smiled, hugged me (I can still remember the feeling of that first hug), and I hugged her back. We were in LOVE! February 19, 2000, in other words, became our anniversary date.
Months later, I was finally able to hand all the origami I created to her for her birthday, and she kept the jar ever since.
A year later, she created 367 stars as well, with two of them colored in blue and yellow, respectively, to symbolize our first anniversary (365 days) and her and me (Yellow and Blue -- our respective favorite colors.)
Despite all these events, our relationship started off on a wrong foot. We never had an official first date, we never went through a courtship/ flirting phase, and I focused too much on the wrong issues that I thought were lacking in our relationship (I know better now.) These issues caused frustration on her part, which in turn caused frustration in me even more. The vicious cycle never stopped and we started to annoy each other. However, she never gave up. She loved me no matter what.
I tried to break free from the relationship 3 times, but each time she cried and wanted to stay a couple, I took her back. I just couldn't see her hurt -- I did love her that much.
I always thought that I was missing out as she was my first and only girlfriend. I always compared her to traditional female roles and to other females.
Over time, I became lazy and unappreciative. I became blind and numb to all the things she did for me. Once in a while though, my love came out and I wrote her notes on how much I loved her (in one of my previous posts, I mentioned this as well.)
So, July 10, 2004 -- after a beach party -- the last straw was broken and I decided to leave for good. That night she was upset about nobody having helped her out at the beach while she was cooking the food. She unfortunately didn't remember that I offered to take over a couple times and that she kept refusing, asking me to have fun instead. In any case, although I decided to leave, deep inside my heart though, I knew that she was the right one for me -- but I didn't want to listen to my heart. I chose to listen to my head instead... to go out and see what's out there. To leave the prison that was our deteriorating relationship. It felt good to leave. I felt free, confident, happy -- but despite all that, there was always this sadness in me. Something was always missing and I always knew that my heart still was holding a special place for her all this time.
3 months passed. She was in a lot of hurt and pain and I just couldn't see her like that any more. I decided that because I didn't know how long it would take me to find myself and find what I wanted, that I'd encourage her to move on instead. She didn't.
I eventually decided to introduce her to my new friend to help her ease her pain.
A week later when I took a step back to re-evaluate what I was doing, I realized that all this time I *DID* love her and that I was focusing on the wrong things that shouldn't have been issues in the first place. I felt completely bad and apologized to her profoundly for hurting her so much, but at that time, I did not trust myself to get back with her in fear of hurting her again (she and I went through a rollercoast ride of "boyfriend/girlfriend - just friends" every single day.)
I told her once again to move on. I just didn't trust myself to not hurt her emotionally again.
Two days passed and I came to realize that I really, really DID love her. I was determined to apologize to her once again and tell her that I was back -- that I finally found myself and the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was a smelly, hungry man emerging from a dense forest he had been lost in for so long, ready to hug someone who he truly loved all this time.
I decided to make changes in my life. To surprise her with my newfound realization and to show her that I was ready to make up for everything I did to cause her so much pain. I decided to make personal, career, and living changes. I was ready to tell her the next day after going khayaking with a few friends.
Unfortunately, that very same day, I noticed that she was different. She was very secluded. Something changed, but what?
That night when we went shopping for hiking boots to go hiking the next day, we got into an argument when she decided not to buy one for herself. As I later found out, she is the type of person who doesn't like making last-minute purchases when it comes to shoes. In hind sight, it shouldn't even have been an argument in the first place, but I really wanted her to go hiking with us when I'd share the good news with her. But I decided not to tell her until things would cool off -- until a few days later -- but by the time I did tell her, she did change: she was moving on. She had decided a few days ago not to come back to me any more.
That was 9 weeks ago.
Today, I have learned that she caught the interest of the friend I introduced her to. There's a whole separate story about him that I'm not going to get into. The short story is, he's no longer my friend and I do not know what his true intentions are with my ex-girlfriend. People have told me that he's a player and did a lot of bad things in the past. I can only hope that my ex won't be hurt. I've already warned her about him and whatever she decides to do, it's up to her.
She also knows that I do truly love her and that I'll be here for her whenever she needs me. I don't know for how long though. I've been in so much pain for quite some time.
I've also come to realize that I'm a good guy. That's where the previous posts come in.
Most memorable moment? The first hug and kiss in the car in San Francisco. I took her to SF every single year ever since for our anniversary ... except this year.
February 19, 2005 would be our 5th anniversary and 8th year of knowing each other.
Okay, gotta go work out...
Nite nite.
Please excuse my writing tonight. I'm a bit tired and the words may not flow nicely...
So, how did we meet? It was over 7 years ago at Fullerton Community College in Chinese Class. Across the room, there she was: magnificent, beautiful, full of joy and sunshine. I remember the shy me dropping my head to the table in utter shyness and awe. Her laughter rang bells in my ears even to this day.
Okay, enough of the mushy stuff. Indeed, I was a very shy person at that time. I liked her a lot -- her personality really shined through across the room. The energy and the passion the brought to the class was just magnificent.
In that class, I only had one chance to talk to her: when we had to describe a personal photo to each other in Chinese. It was also a few nights afterwards where a male picked her up from class when my heart just dropped to the ground in disappointment: she was taken, so I thought. I believe it was the older brother of one of our mutual friends back then.
A year passed and we never saw each other again until in Business Writing class at Cal State Fullerton. (Yup, just like you, it was a writing class.) I knew nobody in the classroom, but that didn't matter. The moment I laid foot in the room, what caught my eyes immediately was ... the sun? No, her!
I really wanted to sit next to her, but the shy me took over and decided to sit a row in FRONT of her instead. (This very same thing repeated itself a year later at the movie theater -- more about that later.)
Eventually, we got together to form a group to do a class project. That's when we started talking more and got to know each other. One of our biggest strengths is that we both are creative, are not slackers, and get the job done above and beyond the call of duty. We bonded very quickly and became best friends.
At that time, she was still not over her ex-boyfriend yet (he left her over a year prior to that day.) As it turned out a year later, I found that he was a player: he actually dated TWO women on the very same evening! She did not believe me at first, but I think that she now does. He was using her... We never talked about him again as it hurt her a lot. It sometimes tore me apart not knowing what happened to her in the past -- I wanted to share tha pain with her, but I knew that bringing it all up would not be a good idea.
One night, I took her to the beach with helium balloons and notecards. I wanted her to write down everything she loved and hated about her ex on those cards, tie them to the balloons and let them go. I wanted to help her move on... She didn't want to do that at all. My heart dropped in sadness at that time.
I think you probably have read about this in previous posts before: I looked for her car every single day to drop off a note with jokes and motivational quotes (of which I still have a copy in my folder of memories) on her windshield. It was REALLY difficult to find her car daily as the parking lot was so large!
I also bought her a large Tigger doll for her birthday. She loved it and even to this day she is sleeping with it in her bed (I think.)
I realized that I was in love with her... So, while I was working at Sam's Club in Fullerton, I decided to wow her with the biggest project I had ever set my mind to:
I created 2,001 paper cranes to symbolize our graduation year of 2001. I also made over 3,000 paper stars (or was it 5,000? I don't remember) for her birthday because I knew she loved them. This entire process took 1.5 years and a LOT of time, energy, effort, and pain. My fingers were just hurting during this entire time... Not even the piece of cloth I ripped to protect my fingers would help.
While all of this was going on, two years of best friendship had already passed. The latter year of that period was extremely painful for me: I kept asking her to give me a chance for a date. She always refused, but I didn't want to give up. A year later, I just couldn't take it any more and asked her if we would EVER have a chance for a date. She said "no." That was one of the most painful moments in my life.
The turning point came on February 18, 2000 when we decided to drive to San Francisco together for a little vacation. I never booked a hotel before and didn't realize that you can only check in between 1pm and 9pm. We arrived in San Francisco around 1am and weren't allowed to check in. So, we slept in the car instead...
When we woke up late morning, that's when she looked at me, smiled, hugged me (I can still remember the feeling of that first hug), and I hugged her back. We were in LOVE! February 19, 2000, in other words, became our anniversary date.
Months later, I was finally able to hand all the origami I created to her for her birthday, and she kept the jar ever since.
A year later, she created 367 stars as well, with two of them colored in blue and yellow, respectively, to symbolize our first anniversary (365 days) and her and me (Yellow and Blue -- our respective favorite colors.)
Despite all these events, our relationship started off on a wrong foot. We never had an official first date, we never went through a courtship/ flirting phase, and I focused too much on the wrong issues that I thought were lacking in our relationship (I know better now.) These issues caused frustration on her part, which in turn caused frustration in me even more. The vicious cycle never stopped and we started to annoy each other. However, she never gave up. She loved me no matter what.
I tried to break free from the relationship 3 times, but each time she cried and wanted to stay a couple, I took her back. I just couldn't see her hurt -- I did love her that much.
I always thought that I was missing out as she was my first and only girlfriend. I always compared her to traditional female roles and to other females.
Over time, I became lazy and unappreciative. I became blind and numb to all the things she did for me. Once in a while though, my love came out and I wrote her notes on how much I loved her (in one of my previous posts, I mentioned this as well.)
So, July 10, 2004 -- after a beach party -- the last straw was broken and I decided to leave for good. That night she was upset about nobody having helped her out at the beach while she was cooking the food. She unfortunately didn't remember that I offered to take over a couple times and that she kept refusing, asking me to have fun instead. In any case, although I decided to leave, deep inside my heart though, I knew that she was the right one for me -- but I didn't want to listen to my heart. I chose to listen to my head instead... to go out and see what's out there. To leave the prison that was our deteriorating relationship. It felt good to leave. I felt free, confident, happy -- but despite all that, there was always this sadness in me. Something was always missing and I always knew that my heart still was holding a special place for her all this time.
3 months passed. She was in a lot of hurt and pain and I just couldn't see her like that any more. I decided that because I didn't know how long it would take me to find myself and find what I wanted, that I'd encourage her to move on instead. She didn't.
I eventually decided to introduce her to my new friend to help her ease her pain.
A week later when I took a step back to re-evaluate what I was doing, I realized that all this time I *DID* love her and that I was focusing on the wrong things that shouldn't have been issues in the first place. I felt completely bad and apologized to her profoundly for hurting her so much, but at that time, I did not trust myself to get back with her in fear of hurting her again (she and I went through a rollercoast ride of "boyfriend/girlfriend - just friends" every single day.)
I told her once again to move on. I just didn't trust myself to not hurt her emotionally again.
Two days passed and I came to realize that I really, really DID love her. I was determined to apologize to her once again and tell her that I was back -- that I finally found myself and the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was a smelly, hungry man emerging from a dense forest he had been lost in for so long, ready to hug someone who he truly loved all this time.
I decided to make changes in my life. To surprise her with my newfound realization and to show her that I was ready to make up for everything I did to cause her so much pain. I decided to make personal, career, and living changes. I was ready to tell her the next day after going khayaking with a few friends.
Unfortunately, that very same day, I noticed that she was different. She was very secluded. Something changed, but what?
That night when we went shopping for hiking boots to go hiking the next day, we got into an argument when she decided not to buy one for herself. As I later found out, she is the type of person who doesn't like making last-minute purchases when it comes to shoes. In hind sight, it shouldn't even have been an argument in the first place, but I really wanted her to go hiking with us when I'd share the good news with her. But I decided not to tell her until things would cool off -- until a few days later -- but by the time I did tell her, she did change: she was moving on. She had decided a few days ago not to come back to me any more.
That was 9 weeks ago.
Today, I have learned that she caught the interest of the friend I introduced her to. There's a whole separate story about him that I'm not going to get into. The short story is, he's no longer my friend and I do not know what his true intentions are with my ex-girlfriend. People have told me that he's a player and did a lot of bad things in the past. I can only hope that my ex won't be hurt. I've already warned her about him and whatever she decides to do, it's up to her.
She also knows that I do truly love her and that I'll be here for her whenever she needs me. I don't know for how long though. I've been in so much pain for quite some time.
I've also come to realize that I'm a good guy. That's where the previous posts come in.
Most memorable moment? The first hug and kiss in the car in San Francisco. I took her to SF every single year ever since for our anniversary ... except this year.
February 19, 2005 would be our 5th anniversary and 8th year of knowing each other.
Okay, gotta go work out...
Nite nite.